Lost on a rollercoaster of confusion
The past few weeks have been a crazy rollercoaster so I am not really sure where to start. I recently came out to my husband as being poly. He is mono. We have been working on communication issues and since I told him our communication has been amazing. He has never beent his open and connected to me. He had a big issue about lying about other women in the past and though he says he never cheated, I still am unsure. We have had severe trust issues because of this. I told him that other women wouldn't bother me, it's the lies that always bothered me... but I can get to all that at another time.
My husband knew I met someone that I liked very much and he kept telling me to go ahead and do what I needed/wanted and just not to tell him... I resisted very much to any form of temptation and continued to focus on my relationship with my husband however he kept the same stance each time.
Then the other night, after a few drinks with friends, I kissed, very briefly, the man that I like very much... I didn't know if I should tell my husband or not due to his no tell policy that he had been reiterating.
So the next day my husband asks if anything has ever happened... me being the honest person I am told him... he then got very mad/upset. He told me he only told me to do what I wanted to see if I would actually do it... he then took that ability back.
But the next day my husband decided to meet the other person. We all hung out (with another female friend) and it was quite tense but it wasn't dramatic. My husband has been very back and forth with everything at this point. I don't blame him.
Unfortunately the person I liked turned out to be a completely different person than I thought he was. It's a hard process letting go since I've known him for quite some time now as we are friends.
So now here I am, on this crazy rollercoaster. A partly broken heart because I am losing a man I care about, the rest broken when I see my husband hurting. I know this takes time and my husband has been surprisingly more supportive that I anticipated.
My head is just spinning. Any advice would be great. I feel so lost, we feel so lost.