Originally Posted by sparklepop
So end of rambling... I think my epiphany is... she says that she considers us all the time, by holding herself back from doing certain things, when she would have jumped on them if she was single. But maybe the way that she considers us (i.e. denying herself rather than us coming up with a plan together) is the problem - it's ineffective. I don't want her to hold back - I want her to decide *with* us.
I get that she's trying to express that she's made changes to how quickly she moves due to her moving at light speed when she was single, and *of course* that should be the most telling sign to you both that she's considerate, but no. She needs to be reminded that people outside of herself need more concrete, physical evidence that she is being mindful of them, namely you and her husband. Period.
She can't be told to not date around, but the fact of the matter is, she keeps stretching herself thin and trying to do too much all at once. It's not fair to her existing relationships. Poly isn't about self-denial and then when you get fed up you gorge yourself on whoever is available. Like you said, VERY ineffective.