Thank you for all your help.
I am going to look in myself and see if i can figure out what i would be ok with and make that list to talk about with her or if a list can even be made to run by at all. It's going to be a lot of baby steps and talking but i'm sure it will all be worth it in the end.
As simple as it is you're right, I don't "allow" her to do anything it is her choice. For some odd reason i guess i never thought about it that way. I am going to work as hard as i can to find a medium and if i can't you are right a clean break would be hard and painful but for the best.
Again i can't thank you all enough for the help.