Thread: Advice
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Old 07-01-2012, 08:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,029
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Welcome! And kudos for learning more about poly in order to better understand your poly girl.

Quote:
I love her very deeply and all i want is to make her happy and give her what she needs.
You cannot "make" a person happy. All you can do is be yourself as best you can. Enjoy each other's company and share each others joys and concerns, be a good partner.

Quote:
But it is very hard for me to be ok with the poly thing. She is moving away in a few months and has been kind enough to be with me and only me until that point. There is another person she loves and wants to be with but i cant bring myself to allow her to pursue that.
I think you mean cannot bring yourself to be ok with her pursuing that while still in monogamous relationship with you, because to do so, then you are not monogamous any more and this pains you.

You annot "allow" her to do anything because you don't own or control her. She is her own person. She chooses how she wants to be in her relationships.

You are also your own person. You choose how you want to be in your relationships.

If those things line up naturally, or a happy medium found and negotiated that satisfies all parties, great! You can be how you want to be together then.

If there's a basic mismatch of goals, values, wants, needs that cannot find a happy medium after honest discussion? I think the honorable thing is probably to break it off. It can be painful, but it is at least clean.

You just cannot force a square peg in a round hole from either side.

A mono wired person who cannot come to terms with loving a poly person will be feeling the short end of the monogamous stick if the poly person is free to be themselves at their expense.

A poly wired person who cannot come to terms with being closed at a polysaturation point of one partner? They will feel like they get the short end of the polyamorous stick while the mono person is free to be themselves at their expense.
Quote:
I feel awful about this. I don't want her to change or be someone she isnt.
I'm sure she doesn't want to change how you are wired either. But you have to come to terms with each others wiring and see if the happy medium can be found here or not. If not, decide what kind of exes you want to be to each other then, and if friendship is possible.

Quote:
I guess i was hoping that someone could help me understand and be ok with all this or provide some way for me to make this all better. As a mono it is difficult to understand polyamory. I just want to be the best i can and make her as happy as she can be. Thank you for your time.
I'm not sure what info you are seeking, but if it's just general, try

http://www.morethantwo.com/

HTH!
A.
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