I'm so sorry that your loss is so painful. I was just writing on another thread (well, thanking someone else for writing) about how risking a hurt is worth it for the love and the ecstasy we may find.
Welcome to our forum. I hope you find some stories here that are comforting and helpful.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein
Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)