Hi all. I am finding myself having quite a dilemma. I am very new to the whole poly world and am having a difficult time.
My bf, W, travels a lot for work and has been gone more in our relationship than he has been home. And when I say travel, I mean halfway around the world. We video chat and email as much as possible and weíve been able to get through a lot that way.
W has always been very open sexually and has told me how he has been involved in threesomes in his previous relationships. He was very interested in us having one and I was very nervous about it, but had thought about it for a very long time. What woman hasnít fantasized about having every part of her satisfied that way? He asked me to find someone I felt comfortable with joining us when he got home the next time. I had no idea what I was doing. I had had a discussion with one friend at a point about it so I thought maybe heíd be interested. W said I should sleep with this man because it was clear I wanted to. Yeah, I did. So we finally got together. It was nice but not earthshattering. W was okay with me sleeping with this man on occasion if I really, really needed to have the release. The other man has been a friend of mine for a long time and we always had this flirting thing going on, despite his being married. We got together another time and I had video on so W could participate somewhat since he was far away. It was ok, but the connection between this man and I was too dangerous for my tastes. Iíve been in an affair before and I didnít want to do that ever again. This was putting me exactly where I didnít want to be. I love and value his friendship more than the sex and I donít want to be a party to ruining his family life.
So, I found someone else. I was on this forum looking around and ďAĒ pops up on an IM and asks me how Iím doing. A is poly. Weíve known each other for about four years but havenít seen each other for two of them; just chatting online. He was game immediately. I didnít realize heíd been carrying a torch for me. I still donít get why men feel that way about me. W encouraged me to see A and make sure I would feel comfortable with him sexually before we all got together. A was good with that. I went over there and I put the video on again so W could participate. Heís not a voyeur but since heís so far away felt more comfortable being a part of the encounter. Well, it went great. It was really, really nice. I was only going to see him that one time before W got back home but the tickets got messed up, the whole nine yards and his homecoming was delayed a bit. Meanwhile A started texting me on a regular basis. He would say good morning, call me beautiful, ask how my day was going etc. W said he was Ďhookedí on me. It was a bit unsettling; I wasnít expecting that. I did see him again before W got home, although W wasnít thrilled about it. We didnít have sex; we just watched a movie and talked, trying to figure out the particulars of the threesome-when would it happen, what did A want from all of this, did he have expectations, etc. In all that talking, he admitted he was in love with me. I realized I was beginning to have feelings for him as well.
I told W about all of this; we have been very honest with each other about everything. Wís biggest statement to me this whole time is that I not only have to be honest with him; I have to be honest with myself. That is a new challenge for me. I am honest with W but I donít know if I am always honest with myself about what I want, what my desires are. He is encouraging me to figure all of these things out. At the same time, he is scared that I will love A more than him and tell him I want to break up. I donít want that. I want to marry W and be a family with him. A has a gf aside from me so I wouldnít want to be with him anyway; I donít think Iíd ever really be his primary.
So recently W told me he was very hurt and depressed to find out that I had feelings for A. I donít want him to feel that way. He doesnít want me to be in a relationship with A. He thinks itís fine for me to be friends with him and we can share in a threesome on occasion, but he doesnít want me to have two relationships. At least, if I am going to have two relationships, W canít be a part of it. He says if I want them both, if I want poly, then he will be a lover to me but that is all. I am floored. I am depressed. I was starting to feel like maybe I wasnít crazy and maybe thereís something to being poly and maybe my feeling in love with two men was okay. I feel hurt because if W hadnít suggested I do these things in the first place, I wouldnít have done them. I wouldnít have chatted A up in a way that said I wanted to sleep with him. I wouldnít have had sex with my other friend. I would have just waited for W to get home and saved camera time for our own private naughtiness. I donít know what to do now. I feel like my thoughts and feelings on the matter have been subjective based on what W has been thinking or feeling. Iíve got to figure this out for myself and I am not sure how.
Sorry this is so long...I've got a lot more to say but I've got to start somewhere! Thanks for reading if you made it all the way to the end!