Band was good, closed my eyes and let the music untangle me with its fingers.
Said bye bye to Carob's ex (Enid). Was good to spend time with her, hadn't really done much of that before one-on-one as we usually hang out in groups. Experiencing for myself the self-confidence, intelligence, wit, cultural knowledge and compassion that Carob would have been attracted to. Feeling like she was easily flustered, could need time-out without much warning. Wanting to connect but not wanting to ruffle her. Playing the host and explorer at once. Keeping my torchlight soft.
We made a story together while watching a movie that was part of her PhD thesis. I typed and she drew. It felt like a new thing, judder bars, not-so-natural but worth it. Creating together with a very creative person is a tricky dynamic to get right, but one I find very rewarding.
Later, we were talking about monogamy. Enid said she finds poly stories amusing because she's definitely not that way inclined. She wondered if there was an element of seeking complications - as in, maybe I just am attracted to making things more difficult in my relationships. That made me a bit defensive at first (especially cos it really doesn't feel like that) but it also sparked some reflection. I guess at a fundamental level, I need good reasons not to go somewhere rather than impetus to go there. My default state is - venturing further is allowed.
Ate late-night dumplings with Sago. Unpacked some of what I'd been feeling in the previous post re: Patch & Ayla. My emotions also somewhat triggered by conversation with E above (i.e. that I was seeking complications). Sago said "you're a really good person. You show a lot of love to people. Don't feel bad about yourself." I didn't think I needed to hear that, but it was so so good to be affirmed. I love him so much, so glad we are living our lives together.
Sent a couple of texts to Patch. A bit more context - while I'd been talking with him about my attraction to him I may have kissed him a couple of times on the neck. Well, I did. It was, ah, expressions of affection and we had been drinking a bit, but it wasn't the drinking. I am a physically affectionate person and it wasn't out of character for me. But given the point of the conversation (explaining unexplained tension, and describing boundaries) I suspected it may have been too much too much.
Also, the times that Patch and I have hung out recently have been in the middle of the night. It's just when I had time, and also I'm sometimes up at night (I occasionally do a radio show from 2-6am, for example). Anyway, Ayla had told me "Patch said you'd been around late night a few times." which made me realise he may have taken the timing to be suggestive of me wanting more from him. Ah! Mind noddles, basically. Anyway, the texts:
Hey man. Hope my candour wasn't too full on. Sorry if I crossed any lines. I have faith that good-willed folks can communicate through most thing so here's hopin
My motivation to catch up and hang out with you hasn't been with the hope or aim of hooking up with you. Just yesterday I wanted to explain any odd vibes. Cool, cya
In the evening he replied:
All good. Woke up today at 3. Big night, awesome times. Don't worry good to chill out
Ayla knew I was feeling a bit weird this morning, so she kept in touch and asked if I was doing okay. At some point I may chat with her about this but I didn't need to talk, just needed time out myself to process.
Patch and Ayla caught up yesterday, must have been great to re-connect because it's been a while since they've seen each other. They had gone out for six or more years I think. I knew them when they were together (how I met Patch).
Sago and I were sleeping by the time Ayla got home. I assumed she'd be staying over with P. Was surprised to hear her pottering in the kitchen this morning. I'm keeping a bit of emotional distance, don't really want to put myself into whatever they've got between them. I said to Ayla a few nights back how I feel inclined to be a (friendly, loved and loving) third wheel sometimes. I don't want (or have time for!) a serious relationship with either of them but being sexual in a way that makes sense in our current friendship dynamics could be...
Pleasurable? Rewarding? "Worth it"? Another experience?
There are so many places I don't strictly need
to go but I'm curious to embark on a treasure hunts. Staying in the safety of my hut often feels like the easier option, but also the wrong one.
That said, I know when I need to touch home base, to take time out. My adventurousness relies on me being aware of and respecting those needs. Right now I am content to be relaxed and welcoming. First time I've shared living space with Ayla (though I'd lived with her sister for a couple of years! Have been catching myself calling her by her sister's name a few times, whoops.) Liking learning the shape of that. She might be crashing here for 3-4 more weeks while she finds her feet in the city. Chances like this (to spend quality time with people) are very precious to me.