Sometimes I feel little pangs of jealousy when my husband spends time with our own kids and I am wanting to be with him. Or make love to him. Or go out with him. I know that sounds crazy.
That's normal. I have same jealousy of my kid. I recently wrote a bit
on that in another thread. Rest assured you are normal.
Because Daddy will think of all the kid needs and whisk them off for good times, and then maybe not be so great at thinking of all the Wife needs and whisk me off for a good time WITHOUT the child. There are times when I want a break from spouse and kid and times I want a break from kid WITH SPOUSE.
Love may be infinite bit TIME is not. You are talking about polymath.
8 hrs to sleep, 8 hrs at work, 3 hrs to make and eat meals, leaves 5 hrs in a day.
Got wife, you, and 3 kids?
The polymath there puts it at
2^5 - 5-1 = 26 diff rships to balance.
Add one new Significant Other?
2^6 - 6-1 = 57 different rships. Tada! It's GEOMETRIC, not additive.
You are right to worry about where the hours in the day are going to GO to accommodate all these rship points and people's wants and needs if a new person is added to the mix. Never mind that it is a mix of kids and parents and OSO.
Think that if kid gets major sick that's not gonna affect all the other rships in the orbit in terms of time management? Think again!
So to imagine him having a relationship with another right now is hard. She would get more of like a quality time experience every time they are together.
While I would be at home washing his underwear and feeding our children.
Sure. Normal again. You don't want to run the family business alone and not get your share of the wooing or your share of your partner being PRESENT in the life you have together.
Sounds like Quality Time if one of your love languages
and you are going to have to have the need met well in order to be willing to play ball in opening up to the idea of CHANGING your current configuration to include another person and working in a NEW configuration as a team of some sort. (Sounds like a V to me with him as hinge right now but I dunno. Is that what y'all seek?)
So... how about bringing some more of that quality time with wife on NOW? Before anything changes? And why isn't it happening ALREADY? Cuz bringing on more variables (more needs to meet! More wants to consider!) isn't gonna make THAT issue just go all happy all by magic. If anything, it magnifies it, bring it out into the light all the harder that it is a sore spot.
You do not go poly just because you are "wired for poly and want to explore, whee!"
You are ALREADY poly, and everyone has a polysaturation
point. And if you ain't caring for the one(s) you already got WELL, you ain't got no biz flopping more on. Plain and simple. Thpppt.
(It's like people who are rocky who try to make a baby to "bring them closer together" and that blows up in their faces when they realize a newborn has many, many wants/needs that need meeting. Hello! )
And are we gonna be OUT of the poly closet or what? When's that talk gonna happen?
And the little time we have now to fit in quality time or dates- would now be split with someone else. And our resources we have built together would be used for her pleasure.
So you build in some expectations there to deal with this and take a hard look at the family budget. Because spending the grocery money to woo your honey, that's not flying! But of course, there's got to be the reality of the family budget accomodating dating life expenses. What the reality check there for y'all? That conversation has to happen.
And shoot, if she works out why can't SHE take a turn babysitting while y'all go off on a wooing date? Where is YOUR rship's dating line item in the family budget?
She gonna come over to help him put family time in washing cars, laundry, cooking, and whatnot while you take off for things for YOU. You may not be dating, but maybe you want to get on the knitathon competition! Is he gonna have to go to her place to hang pictures? While your own home is needing fish tank cleaned out? What's the reality check on homecare/free time?
This is WHY you sit down to map out hopes, wants, needs, expectations, responsibilities, dealbreakers before you jump in. How's the TEAM gonna play here? If it's a "V" with him as the hinge or some other configuration? Figure out the config before you date cuz that ups dating success then.
And take OSO's (Other Significant Other's) wants and needs on board. You and DH can come up with your rough draft of needs/wants to start... then sooner or later OSO has to take a gander at that and get the lay of the land here and pony up what THEY want/seek and be a part of the the conversation.
Negotiate if it will be a runner in the date-y time or what. And if so? Come back time and again to check in to make sure it's all still working for all parties on the new Team.
You want to basically know "Hey, DH. What's the return on my investment here gonna BE?"
What's he gonna pony up here? In service to the relationship he ALREADY has with you? And is he holding it up well NOW before anything changes? Or does this need work FIRST?
What are you willing to pony up? In service to the relationship you ALREADY have with him?
And what are you each expecting the OSO to pony up? And what will you pony up toward meeting their wants/needs? What are their rights here?
(You may not go with a primary/secondary model in your talks, but the OSO is a person. Not a THING. So they need air time. It's worth a read.)
But again -- kudos to you! Your instincts are right on and you sound like you are asking yourself and thinking out things and trying to keep it real here and move it forward in your own mind so you can move in forward into some serious conversation with DH so then it can move forward to... whatever you guys decide it will become after that.
You sound like you are processing and trying to do your homework. Hope he's doing some too.