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Old 06-30-2012, 11:35 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by openminds View Post
You guys have given me a lot to think about. I dont think I had fully thought about the fact that if this relationship were to move forward and then break off, I wouldn't have my pal to run to for comfort. That would be pretty hard for me. Given that I consider them both invaluable friends, it might be a good idea not to complicate things.
When my best friend and my husband were discussing sex, part of what bothered me is that they didn't have any kind of contingency plan for "what if?" They just assumed nothing awkward could possibly happen. I'm a big fan of contingency plans.

Not only would you not have your friend for support, but it would become very difficult if not impossible to hang out with them together, which would likely mean less time with your friend. Then there's also the possibility that it will be you, not her, that breaks it off, and then she'll need her husband for comfort and he'll have a hard time being close to the man who hurt his wife.

Wow that all sounds like awful scare tactics, which isn't my intention. I just think it's good to consider all the possibilities and plan as well as you can for them. You're adults, they sound like good communicators, so I don't see why it would have to be a messy breakup at all. Often things just "fizzle" and when they finally break off, it's not even a big deal for anyone, and you'd go back to friends.

Originally Posted by openminds View Post
On the other hand, this kind of feels like the sort of thing that won't stay secret for long. Like I said, it really seems like its a two way street. I havent and wouldnt do anything improper, but theres a type of flirty energy between us that is hard to mask and that I really doubt my friend hasnt picked up on. So the question there is whether its better to leave it as an open secret, ignore it till it goes away kind of thing, or bring it out in the open so we can all talk about it. My gut says its better to be open, but there's enough at stake here that I need to really think it through first.
I have these two poly friends who both totally have a crush on me, but have never outright invited me into their bed/relationship. But holy man do they flirt. I know that if I ever wanted to, they would welcome me right in, but they don't pressure me because they don't want to hurt the friendship.

What I'm getting at, is there are ways to make your intentions clear without coming out and saying it. From there, you can gauge everyone's reactions. Does the husband shift around uncomfortably on his chair? Does he hold onto her a little tighter? Or do his pupils dilate and he starts to subtly push his wife closer to you? Does she get the deer in the headlights look, snuggling closer to him for protection? Or does she lick her lips and sit a little more forward on her chair?

Originally Posted by openminds View Post
I dont think Wife would be offended if I talked to my friend first but I do think my friend would feel betrayed if I talked to her first. I really like the idea of sending them a letter at the same time. That way they have whatever space they need to talk about it or have whatever reaction they have to it, and I dont have to go through the really intimidating experience of declaring myself to their faces.
Ultimately, you know them better than any of us. Everything we've been saying is "if it were me." But it's not us, and we don't know them like you do. You probably know whether she's more like Tonberry, or if he's more like me. Or maybe they're both more like my friends above.

Originally Posted by openminds View Post
I agree that the most important thing is to be very clear that I value the friendships over everything else and that if nothing comes of this everything will still be fine. Thank you again for all the great advice.
In the letter, I would include "the friendship and your marriage." It doesn't hurt to explicitly state that you don't want to do anything that will put strain on them.

If nothing comes of it, you wouldn't be the first guy out there to have an unrequited love for another man's wife. Not that it would suck any less to know your pain is shared by men everywhere, but it's possible to overcome that.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-30-2012 at 11:39 AM.
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