My first reaction is that if she's already stressed out at the difficulty in managing the relationships she currently has, then she has no business even thinking about finding new relationships. She has no right to dump her guilt on her partners.
Guess what: Poly is work
. Relationships are work
. They're not just fun and games, at least not if you want them to work
My husband is not unlike her, in the sense that he finds relationships stressful and he doesn't enjoy doing "relationship work." When we met, he was the bachelor's bachelor and had no intention of ever settling down. But we have a special connection, so he's learned how to deal with being in a relationship. He's continually learning how to do the work, how to communicate, how to put up with all my girly emotions... But he doesn't enjoy those difficult conversations one bit. So do you think he goes out looking for more girlfriends? Hellllll no! He knows and accepts his limitations. Sounds like your gf needs to learn hers.
Every poly person has a polysaturation point: the number of relationships beyond which they just can't handle any more. If she's so stressed out right now, then it sounds like her current polysaturation point is two.
Originally Posted by sparklepop
I'm finding that I feel as if I should feel 95% ok with everything after over a year of poly. ~laughs~ One year? I'm practically a baby, aren't I?
I don't know where you got that idea from. I'm hoping it's not from things she's said, because that would be a red flag.
If you go to university for a year, does that mean you never get anxiety over an exam? Or is it more accurate to say that when you write an exam on a new subject that you're not 100% familiar with, it can be a little nerve racking? Does a parent feel thrilled with parenting 95% of the time after 1, 5, 15 years? Certainly none of the parents I know. My girlfriend has been in a polyship with her husband for seven years. They still sit down and talk about their feelings every time they have an emotional reaction to something that happened. It's one thing to "get used to it" if things are staying static. But she's actively mixing things up every time she turns around. Of course you're going to have new reactions to new stimuli. You'd be dead if you didn't.
In my opinion, reaching a point where nothing your partner does bothers you means you've become indifferent to them and you just don't give a shit what they do because you don't give a shit about them. The alternative is that sometimes you have painful emotions that must be discussed and worked on. It does sound like you guys are doing a great job at that, so keep it up.
Originally Posted by sparklepop
She's a fantastic Mistress and I do think she deserves a sub she can train.
Basically, she just isn't finding what she's looking for - they either don't suit, or they disappear on her, which is why she didn't stop after the first guy 7 weeks ago.
If she's putting the burden of her stress on her partners then she doesn't sound like such a fantastic Mistress to me. A Dominant's responsibilities include taking on that stress and worry so the sub can let go and do what they do best. By the sounds of it, any sub of hers is going to end up feeling tremendous amounts of guilt for "causing" more stress to their Domme. That to me would be a major failure on her part.
Maybe they disappear because they're feeling neglected by a Domme who is emotionally incapable of taking care of them; she's not even taking care of herself.
She chose to live polyamorously, so she's got to own up to the consequences of that. I mean for fuck's sake, she's even got you
on here figuring out how to ease her
stress, when she's the one that got herself in this stressful situation.
I'm sorry (I'm not really, it's just a figure of speech)
, but I have zero sympathy for her.