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Old 06-30-2012, 06:17 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
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Default The baby talk

Ok, so we talked. It has been a really reassuring talk for me and the atmosphere was great, them sitting on the far ends of our couch, me in the middle forming a triangle and everyone able to look at the other two. The main points:

1. What would be, if the conceiving wouldn't happen that fast and we try for several months or more than a year even?

Lin, Sward and I don't like condoms. Yes, they are practical, yes, each of us knows how important they are when having sexual encounters with not that well known people, but honestly: each of us was really relieved that we wouldn't need some. Just not our thing. Now we will have a considerable time for Lin and me we have to use them. How frustrating could it be for him, to do this in the case stated above? He said, well, that is such a minor detail that it doesn't bother him this much. He wouldn't run around grumpy because of it. Some things aren't pleasant but necessary. Sward joked that there will be a time, when he would be in Lin's shoes as well and both grinned at each other. That was cleared.

2. What would be, if the pregnancy were to be complicated, me needing to lie down most of the time or the baby coming early and disturbing/delaying my studies?

Both said that first of all, this was nature's curse, and impossible to predict. If it happens, it happens. Secondly, we would manage. Both were absolutely sure about it. Half a year more isn't the end of the world. Sward said, that yes, he is longing to stay home, be a father, have a break from work for some years, but if it doesn't come true earlier it will happen later on our way. I shouldn't stress about it, unless I would want to postpone the whole child topic for now. I myself really don't want to wait any longer. Maybe I have to because of point 1, I can't change that factor, but it is the right time for me/us, from my point of view. Lin said, that if he still was home and without a job, that he would naturally tend to the household. Event though it wouldn't be his dream arrangement. What brings us to point 3.

3. What would be, if we would be that pressed for money (because of me not working, Lin without a job) that the roles would be interchanged?

Meaning: Sward having to work full time, me still studying on the side, Lin being a father full time. There would be so much stress around, with the additional stress that natural comes with a child, it was my most feared scenario. Sward being constantly grumpy because he still isn't at home, being a father, me being stressed because of whatever circumstances I have to deal with a baby and my finals, Lin being totally overwhelmed with the household, the child rearing and not able to find any work at all.

Lin said that he can't predict how he will react. He isn't a planner, he can't imagine how being with a child may affect him and therefore he just said, that he will see what he has to handle when the time comes and find a way to face the things demanded of him. That for example, he can't promise immediate paternal feelings, maybe he will have problems with the biological aspect mentally or whatever. I should just trust him, that he will face those obstacles and find a way to overcome them. That was all he could promise.

Sward said that he first of all doesn't think that Lin may not have an immediate reaction and relationship in regard to the child as soon as he/she lies in his arms. He is quite positive about that issue. He knows that he himself will be disappointed if he really had to keep on working while we are home, having the family life and daily chores he dreams of for himself. But that he knows very well, that if things are that way, he has no choice and would feel satisfied supporting the family financially, as long as I need to finish.

Both said, that they believe me to be the factor stressing both of them the most. A pregnant Phy, full of hormones, crying at the smallest matter, demanding the most preposterous things, asking for sympathy while worrying about each and every possible outcome even if that would include a ingrowing toenail or whatever I could think of, (believe me, the list went on for nearly a minute ). They were totally bonding right before my eyes as fellows in misery.

4. What would be, if all of us were to be overwhelmed by the situation and our only wish would be to leave the whole mess?

A possible reaction from my point of view, especially for Lin. He has been on the brink of death roughly a year ago, is now experiencing a loving relationship (something he had written of for himself completely at that time) and there may be a baby in the mix in another years time. That is simply fast. Maybe too fast. He himself admitted that he never planned for something like this and that it may overextend his abilities at first. But he was willing to be part of this and was willing to find solutions even for things totally stressing him out in this situation. He regards the family around us as a positive factor as well. Many people to help with childcare, relieve some of the pressure everyone is experiencing personally, making space for individual recreational time and so on.

Sward was much briefer in his answer: We managed so much during the last year and we managed it together. We will be able to care for a child. We are three adults, we are better off than most in this kind of situation. And I am definitely here to stay. Lin just nodded. That was settled as well.

My worry for money in general, was addressed by Lin. That we would already be able to pay for a child's living expense right now. In our current situation, we would have to cut back on personal expenses for sure, but it would be possible. There are many couples around us, who just became parents one or two years ago, therefore there is the possibility of us getting their old baby stuff and furniture.

After all, I realized that both of them are well aware of the problems and dangers connected to a child in regard to our relationship and wishes. That reassured me quite a bit. It was great to witness them arguing in the same direction, being on the same page with everything that was on their minds and just basically saying to me: Don't worry this much, we will manage. One step at a time. They are right, we will take one step at a time and wait for July to come
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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