Been busy with people visiting, including Ayla who is staying with us at the moment and may be here for a month. Had some good chats, including an interesting one last night about attraction. We both feel sexual attraction to each other but in a fluctuating way. I think it's at least partly because I'm guarded? Not sure. I really like our friendship and don't want to fuck things up.
A bit awkward last night when Patch was there too (Ayla's ex). I hadn't told Patch I had a crush on him but there was some strange tension the few times the three of us were together at the party. I felt it would be best to explain things upfront but now I'm second guessing my decision a bit. I told him that I did feel attracted to him but things weren't able to go anywhere cos of Ayla and Carob's feelings about it, so I'm not thinking about him in that way and not really into flirting. But maybe even naming the thing is no good.
I've been quite expressive of care towards him in a non-sexual way in the past but maybe that was okay when things were ambiguous as to how I felt about him. But now that I've said something, maybe I'm going to need to avoid him? I haven't had much experience of being in this situation. Maybe.
My head's a bit muddly at the moment. Had a bit of a mindmelt this morning, feeling like I was behaving badly to explore the grey areas of friendship and love and intimacy and sex and touch... I understand them to be mysteriously nebulous things with no obvious boundaries, but I know other people do value boundaries between these things. Maybe these boundaries are human-constructed but perhaps they are there to provide necessary structure and discipline to the infinite possibilities of relating... Maybe without these norms things are unbounded and chaotic in a bad way.
Things good between Ella and me, a low simmer.
Had some lovely sleeps with Sago, intertwined bodies.
Carob and I grazed against each other the other day. We were talking (about some serious things at some points, more on that later) as well as playing, and he suddently felt it was all too much... I maybe should have been gentler. But all of a sudden he snapped, said: fuck it, need space, I'm going to bed. I felt the hurt of that. Would have appreciated a flag up to warn me what he was feeling like. But yeah, this occured almost 100% because dealing with shit long-distance is hard.
I took some time to process my feelings, then wrote him an e-mail apologising for my end. He wrote back apologising for his reaction. We realised we hadn't Skyped for a while too (recently having reverted to text-based chat, without meaning to.) Skype date yesterday (managed to steal time even with two people staying here - the other person apart from Ayla is actually Carob's ex! From several years ago. They dated for about three years.) Very much better now.
Scooting to see a band I like play for free at a local cafe, whee! A date with myself. Love those