View Single Post
  #10  
Old 06-30-2012, 03:51 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,076
Default

Quote:
So you are basically saying... no amount of jealousy, or negative emotion is too much? Unless one person cannot handle it?
It can be too much. Everyone's tolerance is at a different place. You negotiate. I don't throw in the towel just because things are rough. But it's 3 strikes you are out, dude.

Trip up and cross a boundary once? We deal. 2 times? We deal. 3 times? We deal? 4th time on the SAME freakin' thing AGAIN? I'm sorry, you are not respecting me or not trying or SOMETHING here. And I cannot be with you then if you continue to behave like a footloose single when you are in polyship. BE single if this is what you wish.

This ponging her poor time management back on your guys as "not being able to deal with poly" is so not fair when it seems to be her not being able to deal with time management.

I'd greatly dislike that kind of avoidy-blame-shifty.

It smacks of emotional weenie to me because I had an avoidy partner who never wanted to just DEAL with conflicts that would pop up and negotiate to the happy medium. Maddening!

Quote:
I'm happy with it - so, how can I beef up my rship responsibilities?
You don't need a gold card invite from Laura to step up to your responsibility to the Team and go "People! We need a check in! We aren't weathering this phase well. Let's schedule it!" Beef it up. Get the needs out on the table and sort out the happy medium together.

If this is the agreed to group goal:

"She would like me, Mark, her online sub, a real life sub and possibly one or two very casual, now-and-again play partners"
how did the group decide to best weather the datey time to arrive to that place?

There's no plan if people are ending up neglected and needs not met. It's conflict of interest if she's all "whee!" while you guys suffer.

One of you, or all of you can say "Pause this for a second here, winging it by the seat of our pants is not feeling so hot. Let's get it together and plan how to endure this datey time of yours more sanely and supportively so all people are heard and most needs met. Compromise. Let's talk out the plan!"

Why is this not happening? Why is she like "You guys should be OVER it already!" rather than "I hear your upset. Let's talk and see where to negotiate so everyone gets most needs tended." I'm not getting that she's allowing free flow communication. Why?

You, Mark, and OP (and she herself!) need to hold her accountable to the responsibilities of primaries in your circle. What one does affects the others.

Quote:
I'm finding that I feel as if I should feel 95% ok with everything after over a year of poly. ~laughs~ One year? I'm practically a baby, aren't I?
Yes.

And why the "should" word again? Stop rating relationship success on "should" feel this or that. "I should be over this or that by now" type thinking just ADDS to stress. You simply FEEL this or that. You get past it when you do. You can't rush it.

Wind should this? Rain should that? Nope. They ARE. Wind is wind. Rain is rain. Emotion is emotion. Emotions just ARE. There's no "should" to it.

I'd rate relationship success on HOW feelings were handled. This time in conflict, did we weather it better? Did we report the prob? Find and negotiate solutions? Hold ourselves accountable well? Everyone holding up their end of the stick that we all agreed to hold up? Did we RELATE to each other well?

Everyone also has a different polysaturation point. That also can be talked over, a plan made for the "dating time" because final partner is not yet found.

But again... to weather that datey phase well, y'all need to talk. If Mark is feeling outright neglected in the datey time, what's that all about? He just has to shelve all his needs indefinitely until she gets stable partner(s)? What if one never arrives? She's not going to put any time on her rship with him? He just has to suck it up?

And you are cross the pond -- that's def stressy on you.

Would it be easier for you to all talk and step away from the "primary" thing while she's datey? Just call it all people secondary? Abandon that model entirely?

And can't people take turns switching if it's all Domme City and no bottoms to be found yet? To take that edge off? Take one for the team and sub then. While the permanent sub is being sought. Wow - fit the domme need AND get bondy time together. Whee.

Rotate the weekends? Fine she gets the extra one since hopefully stability will come and solve this datey time ugh if stable partner arises.

Mark & Laura date
Laura seeker date
OP & Laura date
Laura seeker date
You & Laura date

Or similar thing of your own creating for time management solution. Just so everyone has a fair, negotiated upon and agreed to turn here. It does not have to be exactly equal. It has to be fair and agreed upon together. And everyone is sharing in the time management. Even if new player NEVER arises, you all are getting air time with Laura. We'd all LOVE the Stuperific happy STELLAR! But the happy medium will do. Where is happy medium for the next 6 mos?

Quote:
It's more that she feels after 16 months, some minor negative emotion is to be expected, but should be on it's way to being mostly gone by now.
Here's the "should" word again. Emotions do not talk in "should." They just ARE.

I'm 20 years into my rship with DH. "Should" we NEVER have conflict on anything ever again? That's silly. It's not about being conflict free. It's about handling the conflict when it pops up (and it will) with grace and compassion for your partners.

Quote:
I definitely think that she actively tries to be thoughtful and considerate. She responded well to the one person I slept with and is considerate of our guidelines.
I'm not sure. Dealing ok with your lovers as her metas is one thing.

Time management is another. She's not sounding like she's dealing well with being responsible to the larger whole -- the primary tier -- when seeking/dating her play people. She doesn't sound like she is owning / acknowledging that too much dating action "abroad" causes ripple effect waves on the other partners because she's neglecting you guys "at home." Can't slow the dating pace down to more manageable level? Nobody is saying NO DATE. Just chill, man.

If she's gone all the time on dates, you guys are neglected, that's not rship. That's ships passing in the night. *shrug*

Barrier sex = condoms, dental dams, whatever it is you do for minimizing cootie transfer from person to person. And if in kink world -- BYO toys, barrier toys, or sanitize pal's toys!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-30-2012 at 04:32 AM.
Reply With Quote