The next time I saw her she must have noticed the guilty look on my face, because she asked if I had anything to confess, and so I came clean to her about it. She was very, very angry with me! I didn't take anything else for the rest of the weekend, but it was too late. The promise had been broken. We had a talk over the phone where she expressed how she felt and it was very painful for me to hear. She said she still hadn't made up her mind what she wanted to do. Then about a week later we had a very long (several hours) discussion in person where she told me she felt betrayed--as badly as if I had cheated on her. I made a promise to her, she even gave me an out (I could come talk to her if I really wanted to try something), and then I still went ahead and did what I wanted to anyways. She said I made her feel like she was worthless to me. I tried to tell her about how I planned to be different in the future, how I regretted it and wouldn't do it again, but she wouldn't believe any of it. She asked me how she could ever trust me again, and what would I say if some other guy had done that to her, and I said "Well, I'd probably tell you that if he did it once, he'll do it again." I had no good answer for her. I wanted to change, but was starting to doubt even myself and whether I could.
Finally after all that, she asked me what I wanted to do. I didn't know. We talked some more (or rather she talked and I tried to listen; tried to understand where she was coming from). She asked again what I thought we should do, and I realized she wasn't going to break up with me, she was going to make me be the one to do it. I thought about how difficult it would be to earn back her trust after I had broken it, and how even then I would only be winning back a relationship where I was the secondary, not the primary, and I would go back to all the frustration all over again and then some, and in that moment I decided it just wasn't worth the effort. So I said "I think we should break up" and that was the end of the relationship. We had been boyfriend and girlfriend for about 2 and a half months.
I'm going to be thinking about this experience and what went wrong for a while. I'm not normally one to break promises--it's been years since I can remember ever doing that, so I am disappointed in myself. I also want to understand why I didn't communicate. Why did I not tell her I was bothered about being the secondary, about feeling like when my roommate was around I became an afterthought? About how I felt like the rules were unfair and slanted in my roommate's favor. I think maybe I was so desperate to be in any relationship, having been single my whole life, that I just accepted it. I have a lot to think about.