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Old 06-30-2012, 12:15 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mudita View Post
CielDuMatin, if you met somebody whose partner had power of veto, would this be enough to prevent you from attempting to form a 'more-than-friends' relationship with them?
Although I'm not CdM, I will chime in and say that whenever I've been interested in someone who has told me he has a veto agreement with one of his partners, that ended all possibilities for me. I just tell the guy, "Sorry, that goes against my personal boundaries." I choose to walk away from anyone whose partner has veto power. I only want to be involved with people who are ready for openness and autonomy, and I want easygoing relationships that are shaped and formed by me and my partner -- not me and a committee. Why should anyone outside of my relationship get the right to make decisions about it? If they think I'm too weird or not to be trusted, fine, move on and look elsewhere. I am not going to get all bent out of shape trying to convince anyone I am worthy. As I said earlier in the thread, beyond time management issues, if she's not the person I'm involved with, she doesn't get a say.

Mind you, I am smart enough to know, however, not getting involved with people who have vetoes is still no guarantee that a veto or some kind of drama won't happen, but it's my personal guideline and I think it takes care of a lot of potential problems for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Jeni was almost in tears when she talked to you. Not because she was suffering from being immature, insecure, and controlling--because when she saw how quickly and wonderfully you connected with Derek, it broke her heart. . . . Derek meets you and falls for you so hard that within 4 weeks he thinks he could see the two of you living together someday, etc.

Jeni was crushed. And who wouldn't be, in her situation?
It's very couple-centric and quite mono-ish to say that "of course" anyone would be crushed. I would say, instead, that anyone who is that crushed when their partner finds someone else and has a great connection with them simply isn't ready at all for polyamory and needs lots more soul-searching and inner work to do before getting into having multiple relationships. I think some jealousies and other emotional difficulties are natural, but when someone feels so devastated and insecure that they have to blow the whistle on things developing, then more discussions, more shoring up the foundation of their relationship, and more work on self-esteem may be called for before moving forward into poly. IMHO.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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