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Old 06-29-2012, 08:34 PM
RainyGrlJenny's Avatar
RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 250

1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely? I tend to feel the "pangs" when something's wrong with the relationship between me and that person. Maybe I feel like I'm not getting enough time, or maybe they're doing things with that person that I wish they would do with me, things like that. Usually, if I can isolate and articulate what's wrong and get some sort of solution or compromise, the "pangs" disappear.

2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like? I'm not very sexually experienced, so sometimes I'll tell my (primary) boyfriend stuff like "I was on top and it worked!" or something of that nature. But for the most part, romantic/sexual stuff is kept pretty discreet. Both my boyfriends know that I talk about relationship stuff with the other one, because they're both my very close friends, and they're both ok with it.

3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often? It frustrates me sometimes when Fly (primary BF) has fun dates with other women. He doesn't like going to movies or whatever with me, but he will with other women, particularly when just getting to know them. We've mostly worked the kinks out so that I feel wooed, but sometimes I'll get all pissy because he went mini-golfing or something stupid

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates? No. He is really more "open" than "poly," so he rarely dates the same woman for more than a month or two, and usually on a very casual basis. For the most part, since he's not sustaining relationships with them, they don't really touch his relationship with me and I don't feel like there's a metamour situation. When Punk (secondary BF) and I knew we were having a long-term situation, I pretty much insisted that Fly meet him. Fly didn't really want to, but it turned out ok and I feel much happier that they've at least met and had a couple conversations. I have met Punk's wife, and a couple of her boyfriends. I don't really care for her, but we're polite.

5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries? Nope. As long as it doesn't interfere with us seeing each other, and we maintain a good routine of family time for our kiddo, that's all that really matters.

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?" We've agreed on some safer-sex rules and that if either of us has more than 3 dates/sexy times with someone, we'll let the other know. Also, we need to run it past each other if we want to take a date/lover somewhere that we have mutual friends. Other than that, we're pretty autonomous.

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing? No veto. We tend to voice concerns and try to work through them. We have agreed, however, that each of us has the right to say "This isn't good or healthy for me, I need to step away from our relationship if x is happening." Then the other person can respond however they need to. It's not meant as an ultimatum, but no one should have to remain in a situation that is detrimental to their well-being.

I don't love veto power, but I think it's up to each relationship to know if they can trust each other to use it wisely. I also think that there can be some justification for veto if there are children in the situation who could be physically/emotionally/mentally harmed by toxic relationships.

8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc) For me, it's been not being able to see Punk often enough. He lives in a different city, travels frequently for work, and has a very rigid schedule between his wife and himself. Also, I don't really know if he actually wants more than the once-week routine we've found ourselves in. I'd really love to find someone who lives close enough to have quick, spontaneous dates, maybe even someone with a kid around my kiddo's age who could blend the lines between friend, family, and lover.

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way? In a single way, I might be dating one or more people, but I'm not invested in any of them. By being poly, I'm invested in all of them! Even people who are no longer my lovers, they're still my friends and I care about and love them. Single people live their lives according to what's best for them individually. Being poly means that my plans and dreams include all the people I'm in relationships with, and taking them into consideration when I make decisions or think about the future.
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