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Old 06-29-2012, 06:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,542
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1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?

No. They can be reduced to "pings" and pings I can put down.

Even in a 20 yr committed rship with DH, as secure as it will ever come, I get the occasional ping. Nobody is ping free, but pings can be put down.

Pings don't have to be big ol' pangy angsty PONGS.


2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?

No. When we were open, I did not kiss and tell because there's the feelings of my other lover isn't there? He may not appreciate blab!

The basics are expected of all -- name the lover, lover's std screens, how to contact them, etc. That's just good sex hygiene/safe sex stuff. If you can't hack that? You don't play with me. Period.

Personal details is personal details. If the Other Lover is fine with Lover knowing or they all like the yummy play-by-play that is BONUS we can negotiate to. It is NOT a right. It is a bonus possible but not guaranteed privilege.

3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?

Polyamory is polyamory.

"poly"(air quotes!)-fuckery I would frown on.

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?

I didn't have primaries. I had various rship unfolding at their own speed that started at different points in time. I did not expect the one that was a year in to be at the same place as the one that was a month in.

I didn't care who you dated, I trust you to be a grown up. Date whoever. Introduce me if it looks serious. That's nice.

But if/when was starting to look lover-ly. YOU BETTER! I wanted the heads up and I wanted the meet & greet to happen. I have the RIGHT to make INFORMED decisions about my sex health and well being. Can't hack that? Don't play with me.

I'm married to DH with a child now rather than us being GF/BF or married no kids. So I'd have to reconsider the "primary thing" if we opened up. We don't want to deal in that with parenting stage for that reason. The CHILD is primary so... let's stay closed for now. I know some poly families hack it, but I just can't see the time management working for me. I also do eldercare... my plate is just too dang full to invite new rships right now!

Just seems easier to wait. I would not be giving my best to new partner, and everyone else would get short end of my stick -- less of my time, less of my attention. The return on my investment at this time would be poor and I don't want to short change anyone -- esp myself.


5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?

No. Didn't do secondaries/primaries structure. I spent time with who I spent time with. Nobody limited me and I did not limit.

My second BF was LDR so it wasn't local either. I kinda spent equal time with them -- because they were pretty equal and everyone lived in their own space (albeit one was LDR and our dates were online rather in person). They all knew about each other. The local-est got more face time. The others got more phone/computer time.

If I were in a primary/secondary structure right now it would be because the CHILD is primary, the the family unit activities have to be for the child. So yah, the secondaries would have to go in knowing and respecting this. We find it easier to just skip it all and get through our parenting phase (hence closed). I'm just not UP for poly fam time management issues atop eldercare too. Plates are too full.

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"

You tell me it's looking to go lover-ly and I could get cootied so we can schedule the meet & greet and I can make informed decisions about my sex health.

(Which may include not having you as a lover because I'm not comfortable. My body is MINE. We can still be friends, and I make no waves about you taking on new lover. But let's keep it real here. Cuz *I* don't have to automatically take on your new lover as my meta. I could be ok with them in a new config and barrier sex but maybe I'm not! It's not a guarantee. It's changing the config every time a new one comes on board... so meet & greet & discuss!

After that, if I'm feeling like this person will play nice (share info, test results, not be all argh making) and I'm good to go as a meta, what you do as lovers is your biz, not mine and you don't even have to tell me "when it actually happened." I'm cool.

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?

No. At the time we were open, I did not have a veto.

I had a "I don't care who you date but I want to know/meet&greet if it looks loverly so we can all decide this next new config" rule.

And it includes the option for me to bow OUT if I don't want to overlap in Loverland. Just like it could include me staying IN because I'm ok with sharing with this responsible meta. I'd like to remain friends, but my body is MINE.


8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)

Emotional weenie-ness. Not wanting to overcome/process whatever (usually jealous) because of emotional weenie. Or not wanting to own and hold your own baggage in emotional weenie and trying to fob it off on me. We all have responsibilities to ourselves, to each other, and to the relationship at large. Hold your own bags! (Or hold up your end of the various sticks, if you prefer)

I went into all my overlappies with clear cut expectations and basic kindness ground rules for how I wanted to be. All in the open.

I do not find it unreasonable to want a heads up on new lovers changing the config and sex health panel results.

I do not find it unreasonable to want radical truth in expected open communication.

Don't like my basics? Don't play with me then! How much more clear could I be?

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?

Single? I'm not committed to anyone. If there's hanky pankies urges of mine I state up front, I'm up for it but I am NOT promising fidelity or exclusive so if they have preferences for saving their hankies for commitment (as is their right) let's keep it at the smoochies then. I like smoochies just as much! I do not push people beyond their limit.

Poly? I have committed to people and agreed to boundaries. There are rules and expectations I have to answer to now that I don't have as a footloose fancy free single. I might be up for dating hankies but my lover might not be, so I have to crank it down, don't I? And behave on my other dates in a way that respects my polyship because I've committed to it. I do not push people beyond their limit.

So on both? It is the SAME. Acting with honest intent, integrity, respectful truth-iness.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-29-2012 at 06:41 PM.
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