DISCLAIMER: I apologize for the novel. This is a passionate topic for me. I can't STAND to be in rship with people who don't get the math. I've had some UGH experiences so some of that may leak out here.
Welcome to poly math.
Just because it is not a sex rship does not mean there is no rship at all. Meta arms should aspire to be at least civil, right?
So in THIS polymath Laura has you, Mark, the online person as primaries. Then the BDSM play people (let's call it 2 since you said players PLURAL), her sub for second. And she is SEEKING a new sub?
7 people all in relationship to each other. Not all lovers, but in some rship to each other with Laura at the center of that particular orbit since she's the common link.
2^n - n - 1
2^7 - 7 - 1 = 128 relationships.
Frankly, if she's stressed out (and I do not blame her with this many strings in the web) I would not seek to ADD a new person! It's geometric, not additive.
2^8-8-1 = 247 rship points in the network. Yikes!
And it doesn't matter that She "only" has 3 as primaries and the rest as secondary or play people. It still takes TIME. Love (in all forms, from friendship to sexual) might be intimate but there's only 24 hours in a day.
8 for sleep, 3 for meals, 8 for work -- 5 hours open.
It's going to start feeling primary in name only -- Mark already feels neglected.
What stresses Laura out is having to deal with any jealousy, insecurity or communication of those feelings. If something is mentioned, she starts going down a track of feeling that Mark and I aren't "cut out" for poly and should have less worry.
More like she's not wanting to deal in the reality of poly. Poly is not "emotion free" you know. And you and Mark "should" have less worry? That's not fair. Maybe she "should" have less stress?
You have what you have. You feel the emotion that you feel and you just feel it. It's not measured in cups or teaspoons. And what you have is everyone
stressed and it comes out in various ways.
You were all laying on the water bed fine and Laura plonked a bunch more butts on there. Everyone bobble about now, not so comfy.
The fact is... you are ALL stressed by these conditions. It just shows in various ways. I'm hoping she's just caught up in NRE's and being naive and ignorant. And not just flippin' FRESH.
She says it is more stressful for her than it is for us, since she has to look out for two people.
No. She's tending to 3 primaries and in a network of 128 relationship. Duh.
You and Mark taking on another partner is not making it "more equal" because then you also have to "look out for two." It's adding more people to the network and probably the stress at this time!
If Mark and I talk, she gets upset that Mark doesn't talk to her about it. If we talk to her, she seems overwhelmed.
The Meta-arms have to talk to each other and at least be polite. You don't have to love your meta arm to death, but just on the basics of sex hygiene & sharing test results, scheduling time, etc. C'mon. Man up. Get Google Calendar happy! (or whatever other tool the people like best.)
Don't you all have some kind of regular meeting time for the Primaries Powwow? To take in weather reports and each other's wassup?
Part of the problem may lie in the fact that her insecurity/jealousy/pangs isn't tested as often, since Mark is largely inactive and I am not as active as her. So for the most part, she's dealing with our pangs rather than her own.
So? Who care where pang from? Pang on waterbed makes all surfers bobble about. All must deal with pang ripple effect.
So she's kinda skimping on the maintenance work of her rships and being PRESENT for them. Whether because since she's not worn the other shoe much she's not esp sympathetic/empathetic? No matter. Result? Still skimping.
Wanting to crest wave to wave on the "Wheeee!" fun peaks of the rships. Not really tending to the valley times of her people. Fair weather surfer.
You sign up to poly to surf the waves of Life with your Loves. The peaks and the valleys. She's skimping. Everyone not happy.
Solution is not for you all to hold in your weather reports of emotional choppy water. So she can just skimp, happy to ignore, and not be disturbed in her peak surfing "wheee" ways? Fun for her. What about you guys?
Solution is for her to engage with her people more authentically, and/or cut some of you loose. Either way, be more HONEST a surfer. Promising primary goods and delivering shoddy ones is what? Meh.
Really I just want opinions on whether it is unfair of us to communicate every pang we have;
You HAVE to report your emotional weather. It is your responsibility
to the larger relationship netwrok. It cannot be harmonious if there's unknown brewing below.
Are you all relating
to each other? Or is laura dictating
how it should go so her end of the Life Surf is all "wheeee!" for just her?
or whether it is her responsibility as the hinge of the V to consider the effects of her activity.
Yup. It is BOTH.
In a simpler example? DH & me closed right now? Here's the foundation 5 with ghost 6 that we have to tend to.
- me to myself as part of a couple (vs me to myself as a footloose single that answers to nobody but me. In a couple, I have to consider my effects to the couple.)
- me to him in a couple
- him to himself in a couple
- him to me in a couple
- the couple to the couple, rship functioning as a team
- ghost layer: what kind of exes we want to be, should this ever come to pass (This must be discusssed, nobody loves being blindsided by crashing tidal wave)
I still have that responsibility -- me to myself as part of the whole. That it is a duo now rather than a trio as before? So? I STILL have to act in my ways like I belong on a " larger than just me team! " Not act like some footloose single!
And either way, how I can help to alleviate her stress.
Learn more about poly, vocab, communication, rship skills, time management etc. You are in a "V" and she's the hinge with extras. Not a triad.
What's that MEAN to y'all anyway -- "primary" and so forth. What responsibilities are expected? Are they being held up? How is someone called into account when not? How are things expected to be reported, handled, resolved?
And really? Let her deal with her stress a bit and own her bag some. Figure out how far YOUR bag goes and hold up your bag responsibly. Or your end of end of the stick. Whatever you call it. Start sorting your 1's and move up. (more in a minute)
She's gotta to tend to her own holding too though. Not everyone else holding her bag for her. She also has to start on her 1's and move on up.
These extra second tier or play people? Barrier sex with Laura. Whether she also barriers with them is on her but on you? Barrier sex. Then you don't have to deal in/think as much about it but on the simplest levels and that alleviates YOUR stress. Just the polite meta info exchange.
On the primary tier: Are you happy being on a primary tier with Mark and the Online person? If so... beef up you rship responsibilites. Cuz here where we at:
- you to you as part of a larger team (you are NOT a footloose single)
- you to mark
- you to laura
- you to Online Primary (OP)
Then the 2's
- you to (mark and laura)
- you to (mark and OP)
- you to (laura and OP)
Then the 3's
- you to (mark and laura and OP)
Then the whole
- you, mark, laura, OP communicating on the primary tier.
This is your responsibilities to the Primary Tier People (4 total) and you IN the primary tier people, the quad functioning like a solid quad of comunication (nevermind who is whose lover. Good communication has to happen at the minimim for schedules and swapping info)
The ghosts that may/may not come to pass
- You to ghosts (what if she break up with OP? Or Mark? Or you break up? How much that bag you left holding? How you want it to go? Is this ever discussed at all?)
Not all these people have to be lovers. But these people have to have decent rships in communication and consideration for their needs and time management on the schedule. People are not things
-- they have worth and dignity and ought to be treated as such.
Laura is just not sounding very considerate of her people right now because she's taking on more than she can chew, and then expecting y'all to be unaffected.
That's just not reasonable.