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Old 06-29-2012, 03:28 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,419

1. Do those "pangs" ever go away completely?

I'm unusual in that I get the "pangs" of jealousy for people who aren't my partner but I am interested in (because there is the fear they might not be able to date me if they start a relationship with someone else), but not in established relationships. It goes away as I get closer to the person and more confident about our relationship.

2. Do you share the details of whether you've kissed/what you've done/what the kiss/sex/whatever was like?

That absolutely depends. If the partner I kissed/had sex with is fine with sharing, and another partner wants to hear about it, then absolutely. If either of them is uncomfortable with it, then no details... but still broad events shared with established relationships, as whether we've had our first kiss or not, or whether we've had sex yet or not can matter.

3. Does one activity bother you more than others? i.e. sex/kissing/love/dating often?

I guess out of these, the only that could bother me is "dating often", if I felt I didn't get to see a partner as much as I need to, and it made me feel lonely or unappreciated, or miss them more than I'm comfortable with. But I don't see it as an activity as much as time management.

4. Do you expect to meet your primary's dates?

This seems to imply a primary/secondaries relationship. I have relationships that might all be established and committed (which is what I consider primary) or happen to be more casual, whether because still new or because it works for us (which I will refer to as secondary).
I expect to meet prospective partners of my primary partners, be it only to make sure they know I exist and they understand my partners won't leave me, we're committed, in love, happy, etc.
I expect to be told if a secondary partner has another girlfriend (or a boyfriend), and I certainly would like to meet them soon for similar reasons (so I can be sure they know I exist and that I'm there to stay), but depending on the context (very new relationship, casual relationship) I wouldn't necessarily expect for it to happen right away. I would want to for sure if/when it becomes serious, though.

5. Do you have limits on the amount of times per week that you see secondaries?

I have no limit on how much I see any partner at all. It's all played by ear, making sure nobody's feeling neglected, adapting if someone is.

6. Do you operate a "I'll do (x activity - date/kiss/sleep with) then tell you" - or do you operate "I'd like to do (x) - would you be ok with it?"

Mostly the latter with primary partners (from "I'm thinking of asking X out" rather than "I've asked X out" to "I'm having a date tonight, is it cool if I go back to her place?" rather than "So after our date we had sex"). I would expect a kiss to happen during a date though, and there is some amount of leeway for things that weren't planned but ended up happening, provided I know where he is and I'm not waiting for him and worried about what happened, etc.
For secondary partners, I would expect a heads-up if they know they like someone, but if someone else hits on them I don't expect them to first check with me before agreeing to a first date. I would expect to be told at the first opportunity, though.

7. Do you have a veto rule? Do you agree with vetoing?

If veto is defined as "A partner is allowed to ask you to leave another partner and you'll do it", then no. However we have sets of boundaries, for instance my live-in boyfriend isn't comfortable with my dating his coworkers at this point, and therefore I'm not doing it, even though I like one of them (I was aware of the boundary before I started liking him).

8. What is the biggest stress for you in poly? (possessiveness, jealous, threat, guilt, time constraints, etc)

The biggest stress for me is the fear that someone I'm interested in might reject me because I'm polyamorous. I also wouldn't want to be respected less, or for people to treat me as a booty call rather than a relationship that is just as legitimate as it would be if I had no other partners.
I'm also afraid of people's reactions in general, not just prospective partners.

9. What is the difference, for you, between acting in a poly way, and acting in a single way?

To me, being poly is like being in a couple and being single at the same time: you have the relationship(s), and you have the availability. But the main difference is that your romantic and sexual life affects other people. That's why I think it's important that everyone is in the same boat and cooperates, and that everyone is aware or everyone else.
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