Yeah, just happy
C. went on his date and did not have a good time. I freaked out that night, picked a huge fight with my husband, made up with him (and made some real progress about an issue that has been bothering us for a long time). The next day I went to see C. He told me about the date, I was simultaneously relieved that it did not work out and sad for him that it did not work out. Very intense conversations and some very intense and loving love-making.
We talked about him being my secondary, and that I am his primary right now, and how does it all work? I told him he does not feel like my secondary. I never expected this to happen, but I really feel I want to build a true relationship with this man, spend time with him, get to know him, be part of his life and invite him into mine.
The freak out and the way he responded to it (I did not let him know the extent of the freak-out, but he did pick up on my insecurities) was another major poly lesson for me.
The next day he texted my husband and asked him if he wanted to get together.
Tomorrow they have a date... well not a real date obviously, but they're having lunch. Just thinking about it gives me a feeling like my heart is on fire, I think its so awesome that they are both willing to do this, invest time and effort i getting to know each other.
I won't be there, because I'm going away for the weekend with mrBrown.
It's kind of interesting to know you're going away for a weekend of boozing and lots of hot and slightly kinky sex while your husband and boyfriend are scheduled to have lunch together.
Earlier this week, I had some second thoughts about this weekend.. I haven't seen MrBrown for almost 2 months and the connection seems a little faded. That has a lot to do with the fact that I am so deep in NRE with C., want to be with him all the time, spend a lot of time thinking about him - emailing him - and travelling to actually be with him!
I also worried that he would be jealous. I know he is, a little, but he's also very open about it and I know he trusts me and my love for him.
And once I got into a little dirty texting with MrBrown I'm kind of looking forward to the weekend
My relationship with him IS very special to me, because it is so free and open. And yes, also because I get to explore a side of my sexuality that I have never explored before. I used to think of myself being pretty dominant in the bedroom.. but with MrBrown there is no such thing. He's the boss. The dynamic of our relationship is that he is in control and calls the shots.. and while this hast cost me some anxiety in the past, I can now submit myself to this and enjoy how it makes me feel. I know most of it is a game and I enjoy playing it. He does not respond according to the 'rules'.. but only according to his own rules and according to the dynamic that we have (unspoken) agreed on.
For instance, yesterday I sent him a story that I wrote with some pretty explicit erotic fantasies. He did not acknowledge receiving it.
If C or my husband would not respond to such an email I would be upset and offended. With MrBrown I know this is part of the game. He takes control by not responding.. but I'm pretty sure something will happen this weekend that will be his 'response'to my story.
All very interesting and not like anything I experienced before.
So, yeah, just happy.