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Old 06-29-2012, 01:26 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

This is an interesting one!

It's something I've been thinking about lately too and I think it comes down to the key word - expectation.

Do you use any written poly 'guidelines'?

It's something our triad didn't do for a long time, because we didn't want to place restrictions. Then we found that having absolutely no restrictions led to problems with our innate, personal expectations.

Reading between the lines in your post, it sounds to me like you may expect:
- your wife's date to be respectful of you, to make an effort, acknowledge your existence
- your wife to see new dates (or even long term lovers) a limited amount of times a week
- your wife to act like she is poly; not like she is single

There is nothing wrong with expectation, in my eyes. Expectations mean personal boundaries. And just because we are all poly, doesn't mean we have to ignore our personal boundaries.

If this helps - some of the things I (and my primary) expect:
- to meet in person/online any secondaries that we are moving towards sleeping with
- for secondary partners to be respectful of and towards our primary
- to see secondaries generally max. once a week, twice in special circumstances

All that being said; our main guideline is: "be kind to each other, soothe each other and understand that changes happen" - i.e. we all get carried away and act with our own selfish hormones sometimes.

It sounds like the two of you did some really good work ironing out the cracks. Your wife is probably in the "oooh I can date again!" stage, where we tend to get carried away with the excitement of New Relationship Energy.

My advice would be to sit down and as stupid as it sounds, write out some guidelines, (NOT rules), that you both might find useful to keep in mind. It's not about killing each other's fun - but acting in a way that is appreciative of each other and a sensitive way of saying "thank you for being a partner that promotes my freedom. I don't want to be single - I want to keep you, but keep my freedom".

Incidentally... I would have had the same feelings as you did about this guy, rightly or wrongly. Three times in a week is also too much for *my* personal boundary. And I would have expected him to make an effort to meet me. If I met a married woman, all I'd want to do is meet the husband and make sure he was ok. To me, that's the sign of a kind person.

Finally... yes... we all get pissy from time to time. It usually happens when we have an underlying issue that we need to pick at and unravel. I hope that all the answers you've been given help!
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