Originally Posted by mercury
That's totally what was happening between me and my guy. He was falling for me. He said as much. He was having a great time with me and expressing such extreme attraction and so many proclamations of "I can see us really lasting and becoming something..." He told me (even just within 4 weeks) that he could see me living with him (she and he do not live together; they are not married).
But I think she caught on to it being very much a match between me and him. And that caught her off guard. I actually had coffee with her one time during the time I was seeing him. We talked about some basic things, and though she was very mature in words, her facial expressions were of fear and jealousy. She looked even like she was about to cry a few times. I also said to her, very straight-forwardly: "Are you sure you want this? Because I know the way these things work. You think you don't want someone all to yourself, but then as soon as you see them with someone else, happy, you start to want them more. I've seen it happen in various contexts, not just poly..." (And I have).
And though, at the time, she behaved herself to the extent that she didn't demand that he and I split, she did do the whole "reclaiming" him in the time he and I were apart and when I came back.
I'm highlighting this because it got lost in the shuffle. And I think it's the most important thing you wrote about this situation.
I know you're frustrated by how things turned out, Mercury.
But I don't think you have enough sympathy for Jeni here.
Jeni was almost in tears when she talked to you. Not because she was suffering from being immature, insecure, and controlling--because when she saw how quickly and wonderfully you connected with Derek, it broke her heart.
I have to agree with ThatGirlInGray's comments about Jeni's actions being understandable. I don't think there was anything immature in what she did.
Jeni thought she had a strong relationship with her boyfriend. They'd been together 2 years, weren't living together yet but cared for each other a lot, and decided they wanted to try polyamory.
Then Derek meets you and falls for you so hard that within 4 weeks he thinks he could see the two of you living together someday, etc.
Jeni was crushed. And who wouldn't be, in her situation?
You didn't do anything wrong, but I don't think Jeni did either.
I don't think it's fair that you think Jeni is so manipulative & controlling of her boyfriend. I don't think she "reclaimed" him after things ended with you--I think they talked a lot and redefined their relationship and strengthened their feelings for each other.
I'm sorry that it had to come at your expense. That's really hard.