Well, he says that there is no such thing as a coincidence when it comes to him and I "in a universal sense", but I still found it hilarious that the spot that E. chose to spread out our blankets for the concert was less than 20 feet away from Mischief in a crowd over at least 7500 people. I txted him, "What are the odds?" and he txted back, "I just saw you.... can I come say hi?" He made his way over while E was getting us a beer, and was sitting on our blanket when he sat down. It was not awkward at all thanks to that phone convo, and E was genuinely curious about him when he had realized he was sitting so close to him, "I want to meet him!" We bought him a beer later in the evening, and his friend that he was with looked a little puzzled; wonder how he explained that one, "Oh her? She's my lover, she's married to that dude...." Probably not, given that he had one of his sons with him. It was slightly surreal.
I have been giving a LOT of thought to the structures of relationships with lovers these days. I have held nothing back with some lovers in the past, and it has created all manner of confusion, even causing me to leave my last primary partner for E because it was so emotionally intense and confusing. I'm not saying that it wasn't the right choice, but I don't want the same thing to happen to E. and I, and as a result I can see myself approaching lovers/secondary partners in a totally different way. It's not that they are compartmentalized exactly, because I don't lock away parts of myself in my approach to them, but I do have boundaries in place that I don't with E. I think a lot of it has to do with expectations of the parameters of our relationships, as well. I don't want to live with them, I don't want to have them in my life forever and ever - I do want to have meaningful connections with them, but I don't want to create parallel monogamous relationships with them. I am happy for them to have other lovers in their lives, celebrate that with them, and fully realize that my place in their lives is not one of intended permanence as well. It's healthy for me this way, and I find myself unconfused, which always means that I have good boundaries in place. Generally when I feel lost, it's because I have lost my centre inside of an experience - I hate it, and forget the cardinal rule of relationships - if things are confusing/overwhelming, take a step back/take a break until I get recentred.
I find myself clean and clear on my runs, working my way up to 6km so that Mischief and I can run together, and enjoying the inspiration/reason to challenge myself. Every thud of my feet drains my brain, giving me this quiet hum where it's just my lungs, my legs, my arms, my body, and moving through time and space to insanely good beats. I need that quiet, my body twisting into impossible asanas, sweat from my run beading up on my chest and dripping onto my mat as I do a full vinyasa practice. My pants are fitting differently, my muffin top is completely gone, my skin is glowing and I feel fuckin' fantastic. I am sleeping like the dead. It's good to get back to this - I am a long distance runner from way back, used to compete and do pretty well when I was younger, and remember the peace that I had whenever I ran.
Been in touch with a young woman who is lookin' to kink it up, and we have set a date for the three of us this weekend to go out and have some fun. Wasn't really anticipating her arrival in our life, but I can't say that I'm not looking forward to it - I really am. She is mutual friends with a big pocket of people that I know, is wicked intelligent and very beautiful - tiny and Asian, she is well read, well traveled and well educated. Date, possible sleepover tomorrow night, looking forward to getting to know her.
I have so many thoughts and feelings around Sync. and the nature of her relationship with E. and me, but just don't feel okay sharing them right now, will marinate in them for awhile longer and see what finally bubbles to the surface; it's just all much too uncertain at present, and I just can't settle on any group of feelings.