Hi all ...
Perhaps I had an account on here years ago, but let's say I'm new here as my memory is foggy.
My partner and I have been friends for close to a decade, and within the same community of non-monogamous folks (the term poly isn't used as often). We've been dating for a couple years now and quickly moved into a primary relationship and are very involved in each others lives and families. The trend being to continue deepening this.
The amount of other people we've dated during this time has gone down from before our relationship. And we tend to operate quite differently when hooking up with people. (I tend to go with the long slow awkward and denying to myself we're flirting approach, where she likes to make out with ppl on the dance floor without even paying much attention to it, and ideally have other dates and hookups.)
We both used to be quite positive about open relationships, but in past years I've changed. I see a lot of problems with monogamy, but Ive been burned bad a few times in a few very major (and some minor) open relationships ... And I've come to understand that emotionally it is hard for me to have a really close relationship with someone and keep it open. When she hooks up with someone I withdraw, prepare myself to shift the primary partner status to myself, and feel like we're on our way to breaking up. That comes off as if I'm controlling and punishing, but it seems to happen regardless of whether I express it or not.
We're testing out some boundaries on this ... And I know that a lot of this comes from past experiences, but it's difficult figuring out what my core feelings and desires are on this and what is just fear that can be dealt with. To add to this all is a shame we both feel, but I think she does a lot more, of settling into a het, monogamous relationship in a community of ppl who fight for the right to be anything but that.
So there's volumes more I could write but here's my questions to you kind forum folk.
1) as I'm not very good at consistent online forum discussions and keeping up with them, are there those of you who've been around that could recommend some great must read threads that might help. I've taken some look throughs, but finding the right search and not getting sucked into many interesting conversations has been hard.
2) what's the etiquette around a couple getting on a thread here and processing their relationship publicly with others chiming in? I see examples of many folks talking about their relationship but it seems like it is always just one of the partners. We've been talking about counselling and chatting with other couples we know, but it struck me as potentially useful to do it here. Would love to see some examples of it if it's not frowned upon.