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Old 06-28-2012, 12:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Default Safer sex, trust, and long-distance relationships

I talked briefly about a potential new relationship in my blog, but it's had me thinking a lot about the safe/safer sex aspect, and other things.

Basically, I live in NYC and he lives in Brazil. He is getting involved in a business which will bring him to NYC two to four times per year, and he's expressed that he'd like to see me again. He seems eager to start a relationship with me. So far, we've only met and chatted for a bit, then had dinner together the next night, talked some more, and made out a bit, nothing more.

I'm trying to figure out if I am actually interested in him, but a few things have me a little confused and unsure about how this can possibly work. It's not really the distance factor, in terms of us being able to get close or maintain a relationship, but it has to do with how to manage certain things due to the distance.

One thing that keeps coming up for me is a good deal of skepticism. I know this sounds self-deprecating, but I don't understand why he finds me so appealing that he chased me for almost two city blocks to talk to me. When we had dinner and were talking about relationships and his possibly visiting me, he said something like "Who knows, I might fall in love with you." But statements like that are just so suspicious to me.

He is a much younger guy, says he is a doctor, and supposedly getting divorced. He tells me his wife already moved back to Europe to be with her family and that they've been separated for a while. Apparently he works in his practice about 60 hours a week and looks forward to his trips to New York as a getaway, in addition to a new business thing he's getting into. In my mind, I just don't know how I can really believe and trust someone who lives so far away, and comes from a different culture. How do I verify anything he says?

And I keep thinking, really, why me, an overweight woman 16 years older than he? With all the beautiful young women in Brazil? He said he thinks I am beautiful, but could there be something else he would want out of a relationship with me? Dumb questions, I guess, but the distance just makes me wonder if I should just take his words at face value, although I am usually very good at reading people and he seems like a good, genuine person.

The other thing is how it will work if I ask him to get tested for STIs. Medical websites about STDs and STIs are always saying that hooking up with people from other countries is always a bigger risk. How would it work? Have him get tested here in NYC? Have him bring his test results from Brazil? Then what kind of agreements do we have in place when I wouldn't ever really know what he's doing, far away in another country? And especially since it would have to be a more casual type thing, not polyfidelitous. How do you people in LDRs work this out?

And what if he comes to my city for his next visit, and I don't feel ready to have sex with him yet, just because I may want to be cautious. Is that unreasonable of me? He probably only stays a week here at a time. But I feel that if he really wants something to develop between us, he needs to be patient for me to adjust to such parameters.

The thoughts in my head may have been tumbling out here in a convoluted, confusing way, so I hope I'm making sense. I just have a lot of questions about the practical aspects, I suppose, of this situation and how to manage all the doubts. I don't think it's impossible, but others here may have some feedback and tips that I may not have thought of. Any kind of input is welcome, I'm just not sure of how I feel about this at all.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-28-2012 at 12:29 AM.
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