Originally Posted by Tonberry
I'm thinking maybe because you used to be together and it ended, she feels like it didn't work out anyway, so why waste time and energy and get hurt trying the same thing again hoping for different results?
It could be the way she feels about it, I mean.
In any case, I think it's important for metamours to get along, if there are problems between the two of you it wouldn't work. She'd have to be fine with you and she can't help it if she isn't.
Time will tell if she will feel the same way about everyone he shows interest to or not. If so, then she probably should work on her issues or reconsider poly. If not, though, well it's good that she was honest about knowing it wouldn't work for her if he tried to be with you again, as much as it sucks for you.
But the thing is, it didn't "not work out" because of lack of attraction between him and me, or any "values clashing" between him and me, or he and I "not getting along." There was nothing about me and him that clashed.
The reason that it didn't work out was this:
We (she and I) were both feeling a degree of jealousy.
When I came back, I came back with what I thought to be a likely remedy to that -- for she and I to hang out and be friends. And I know she was down with that the first time around, and according to their OkCupid profiles, they're still looking for mates who "want to be part of our open relationship," meaning...she's down to hang out with the people he dates. So she does want to hang out with whoever becomes his girlfriend, just not me in particular.
I wouldn't try to get back together with a just general "let's try again" if I didn't have what I thought to be some sort of remedy for the previous ill. My remedy was...let's be friends instead of rivals.
Let me share with you the exact email I wrote to her when we were all "in talks":
(after a paragraph or two of clearing the air about last time...)
I think it would be really great to get to know you and develop more of a friendship with you. We are probably very different in a lot of ways, but I think we have a lot of common ground as well. I even think it would be fun to eventually hang out with you and ______ together.
Iíve missed him a lot. Heís a terrific guy, and I definitely want him in my life. I donít presume to know what you are thinking about it all, but I feel compelled to say that there should be no concern that Iím going to take him away from you. I donít want to, nor will I. He is very devoted to you, cares about you a lot, and is extremely close to you, and I have no desire to change that. I am glad for you and for him that you have each other.
Anyway, Iíve said the main things I want to say. But I am still open to talking on the phone or meeting up for coffee if you want to.