Greetings all. I’ve been lurking for a while (just for sake of feeling like I didn’t have much to add to posts that haven’t been said… and just plain shy) but coming out to see if any of you have faced something like this. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
I was in a mono relationship for approximately 3 years with a young man (let’s call CS) before he suggested we open things up a bit. At that point I was a bit apprehensive but okayed it with just a few simple rules regarding sex with others.
- If any kind of sexual contact is had with someone else (aside from manual) , regardless of condoms or status, the other partner has the right to require condom use until next STI screening results have come in.
- Check-in is required before hand if there is a new partner/interest and after if general “sexy-times” happen to allow for decisions regarding future sexual encounters until such a time it is considered unnecessary.
- Be safe.
In the three years that followed, CS was quite fine with that and quite a share of casual encounters while I had none. I kept with condoms with him with the exception of a few times after his tests between him finding new playmates. (Interestingly enough, IMHO, I was only with him and getting STI tests ever 4-6 months with routine OBGYN checkups due to some reproductive system issues I have and he’s bothered to maybe once a year…)
I met my current second partner (MX) last year around this time, and thing escalated very quickly between us from friends, to FWB, to a “titled” partnership at the start of this January. The same rules above extended to MX even though he’s expressed that he’s only eyes for me right now and doesn’t want to explore any kind of sexual relationship with anybody besides me.
That said, CS has had little problem with the MX and I having sex up to this point, until I mention that I’m interested in having a completely bare relationship with MX. CS has , to put it lightly, flipped and saying that I’m giving away the privilege and being unfair by using condoms with him(while he’s meanwhile having encounters with several others.) CS also is claiming that all of his “sacrifice” in covering it up in the past, has been in vain because I’m “giving it away”. CS and I are currently in the middle of one of those brief times where it’s confirmed that he’s completely clear and we are bare, though my revelation came to him in the middle of a conversation about him thinking about hooking up with a past partner over the weekend in the near future.
This afternoon I was graced with a text message from CS saying (directly quoting)
I need equality. If you want me to trust your judgment in going bare with someone you have to give me the same trust and not demand condoms if I decide I trust someone enough to have sex with them, regardless of barrier level. Either you trust me to keep myself and you safe, or you don’t. So, do you?
I have a few things that I would LIKE to say in response to that, but I’m sure that there are far more tactful ways to do so.
Trusting him before got me a positive STI test once, and I have another partner I love very much to consider in all of this.
The three of us live separately though I have a key to both of their respective dwellings. CS doesn't particularly like MX because he's rough with me (Though MX and I have a bit of a playful/rough-tumble sort of relationship with bits of kink sprinkled in.) MX has little issue with CS save for little bits of what feels like "emotional blackmail"... like the above matter. CS also seems to get extremely pouty if I show affection towards MX in his presence, and while I don't particularly see it from my particular space (I'm pretty short compared to both of them), friends have told me that CS tends to hover around me if MX is with us as if to try to shield me with his body.
I have an IUD and the three of us identify as childfree and pro-choice so condoms are mainly a matter of safe sex.
Again, any input is appreciated.
Thanks all for your time.