The last week has been really difficult. I am struggling and not really sure what else to do about it other than what I've put in motion. Derrick and I were able to have a long talk on Weds. It went really well and I felt it was the first step towards healing the broken trust. We even had sex afterwards which felt like a good reconnection and reaffirmation of our mutual devotion to each other and making the marriage work. But then on Thursday, we argued about the situation again, which cultimated in him screaming at me about how unfair I was being and that I was lying by calling him dishonest, etc, and I ended up feeling sick to my stomach. I calmly explained by side of things to him, and he apologized, and then he went back to acting like everything was just peaches and cream.
I felt sick that I had let my walls down enough to make love to him again. I felt sick that he could turn from civility and contrition, to screaming bloody murder at me, to carrying on pleasantly as if there are no issues.
I don't know what to do because I feel like since I have chosen not to end the marriage over this, I am expected to just go along like things are fine. But they aren't.
Things with Marty are not fine either, as anyone who reads this thread knows they haven't been for a while, but I just don't have the energy to address it right now so I'm staying in the holding pattern. I wish I could count on him for support in this difficult time. But with his anxiety disorder so badly out of control, he is in no shape to offer much support to anyone. I am beyond gladdened that he went into a new therapist on Monday, and will be resuming weekly therapy with this new practitioner. I hope he is back on his meds soon.
I have a regular physical with my doctor next week, and I will be asking for a referral to a therapist. I need someone to talk to about all these issues who isn't a relative or a friend. I know I'll have to be careful with how I mention the polyamory angle - if at all - but just having a safe place to talk and maybe get advice on how to manage stress and etc will be potentially very beneficial to me.
In the mean time, I am struggling with reclaiming my own self worth/self confidence. I'm a bit embarrased to be in the position I am, and disappointed in myself for apparently having so much of my confidence wrapped up in how my relationships are doing (or not doing). The fact that my husband repeatedly lied to me and went behind my back, and that my boyfriend rarely wants to touch me and seems to have every excuse in the book to avoid any "date" that isn't us hanging at his house with his wife and child, put together at the same time, combined with everything else... it has me feeling about the lowest I have felt in my adult life.
It also doesn't help that my effort to find a new friend or two - and maybe even someone to date - have failed pretty abysmally. I was speaking with one person who seemed a potential person to date, but that fizzled as soon as he saw my picture. I was speaking to another person who seemed like a potential friend, and that fizzled when he saw my picture. I was speaking to a third person, and he hasn't seen my picture yet but just has little time for emailing, so its been really hard to establish what common ground there could be. The old gaming buddy I came across never responded to the email I sent him almost a month ago. So between having no luck even making a new friend this month let alone making a date with anyone, and feeling blown off by the two men already in my life... meh.
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Last edited by GreenMom; 06-27-2012 at 05:36 PM.