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Old 06-27-2012, 05:03 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a minute. Let's see how this works:

So let's say my boyfriend and I have decided to try an open relationship. We're brand new to this, and when my boyfriend finds someone to date I struggle with jealousy. I'm willing to work on it, though, for myself and him and because I know it's not fair to this other person to just stop this experiment in its tracks. But ultimately the other relationship ends. She doesn't care for the situation as it stands now, and I am relieved because things were strained between me and boyfriend. Maybe after more time, more discussion, we can try again, because this is something I'd like to make work.

Several months pass. Maybe we're taking the time to discuss more and strengthen our own connection, maybe not. He doesn't date anyone else that I know of. Then suddenly he tells me that he got back in touch with the person he dated months ago. My stomach clenches. He didn't talk to me about this first, and now I have to decide how I feel about this. I take some time, a week, to really think about it and discuss the pros and cons with him, rather than just giving a gut reaction and shutting down lines of communication. Ultimately I decide I'm just not comfortable with what I feel is a step back towards a place I don't want to return to, dealing with that tension, and I ask him to please not re-start a relationship with this other person.

Now, perhaps this was not the girlfriend's thought process, but it's one possibility as it reflects the information given in mercury's posts. So, why is she the bad guy here? No, maybe she didn't have the perfect response of communication and willingness to work on her own issues within her relationship, but for a brand-new non-monogamous person, I think she did okay. I don't see her, from what we've been told, as being particularly cruel or immature. He boyfriend TOLD you he had thought about leaving her, you've said yourself you're very similar to her- of COURSE she sees you as a threat, with good reason! That's not HER fault, nor is it your fault. From what I can see it's the boyfriend who is not being the responsible one and is creating the drama in this situation. If he was going to abide by her wishes regarding who he dates, then he should have checked in with her before ever trying to reconnect with you. HE'S the one who created this situation, not her. I understand you're hurt and upset, and you have every right to be, but don't hold him up as this loyal, caring guy. If he REALLY cared HE'D be the one pushing for better communication among all of you, and making sure his relationship with his girlfriend is stable before adding someone else to the mix. You don't want to make him the bad guy because you care about him, and I get that, but besides wanting to still try an open relationship when she's not ready for it yet, I don't see how she did anything significantly out of line.

ETA: One more thing I thought of- this is one area where "open relationship" and "poly" are NOT the same! If he had feelings for you, that could have interfered with whatever agreement they had regarding what an "open relationship" meant. For many newbies, it's okay to casually date, but they're not ready to emotionally share their partner. Still shitty for you, but it doesn't make her the villain. The two of them need more communication and more understanding of their own boundaries before they date other people as well.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack

Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 06-27-2012 at 05:14 PM.
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