Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
Wow, I think we should "start fresh", meaning you can date other people as long as they're not the person you want to date, even though I have no personal problem with her? That just seems really emotionally immature and un-compassionate of her. And wimpy of him, since as you said he could have taken more of a stand about it.
If she's got these major control issues, and he's willing to let her run the show in regards to his outside relationships, you're netter off with it being over. Rather than feeling victimized by their messed up decision-making process, just remember that you in fact were the one that broke up with him. Try to think of that in an empowering sense -- you *chose* to walk away. Now it might have been nice to get it back, but in the end it was still your choice to leave in the first place. Your mileage may vary, but I feel like that could give you more of a sense of control over the situation.
Do your best to move on, and don't enter situations with a veto power in place next time. You're going to be ok.
Thanks. Yeah, one of my friends kind of said the same thing. It's messed up that he's allowed to date, but not women he actually likes. Lovely.
And yes, there are things about the situation which reduce the sting.
1) He did want me back. On just a basic, instinctual level, he's attracted to me and would've been glad to see me.
2) I never 'capitulated' to being of secondary importance to her. When I came back, my new mindset was that she and I should be friends and get to know each other more in order to keep things peaceful and reduce insecurity and jealousy. I did not come back with the stance that "Okay, she matters more, and you can subordinate me to her." And I never did convey that that would be okay.
3) I know that she is a human being and that she may not have meant to be unfair or un-compassionate or whatever, but that maybe she is looking out for # 1 (which only makes sense). There aren't that many people -- even good people -- who don't put their own needs above others. At the same time, I still feel like I'm the more principled person here because, as the poly person she claims herself to be, she's taking the easy way out by saying 'no' to him dating me, and just being unnecessarily restrictive. If she disapproves of me
as a person for him to date (and as I said, I'm the epitome of clean cut, even a colleague of hers who she's been friendly with in the past), I don't know who she can approve of...