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Old 06-27-2012, 04:26 AM
mercury mercury is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 84

Last point. While I do feel that it is "wrong" for the girlfriend to have vetoed you, the only person you can blame for your ex-slash-potential-boyfriend's actions and choices is, actually, him. And only him, really. He accepts a veto condition in his relationship. That's his prerogative. Don't villainize her more than him; neither are without responsibility here. I can sympathize with the desire to condemn her because you don't want to be angry at him, but he is entirely responsible for his choices. And that sucks pretty bad.

Sorry you're going through this.... take good care of yourself while you're healing from this hurt.
Actually, want to add something to what I said earlier.

Even though I do blame him, too, I blame her more. Here's why. I don't condemn him for being loyal to her over me because I don't condemn him for caring about a woman he's been with for two years over a woman he's been with only for seven weeks. She's an attractive and (probably) basically good person who he has feelings for, and I don't blame him for not wanting to lose that to a relatively unknown commodity - me.

I mean, when I think of a particular past relationship of mine at the 2 year mark, and how, if we were poly and another guy had come into the picture and I really really liked the new guy, I still would probably cut the 2nd guy loose (after just seven weeks) if the first guy said he would leave me if I see the other guy.

The guy in my situation wanted to date me. He was the one who pursued me in the first place. He was also the one who, when I got back in touch with him and just had a friendly conversation, said "We should spend some time together again." He made that move, not me. He was embracing me with tenderness when I saw him in person. His words to me when he told me that he and I could not date again, after all, were "I know you're okay with it, but she's not, and I just can't deal with all that with her." (presumably, 'her emotions about it')

I don't think that a woman who's involved with a poly couple should play obvious second fiddle to the wife or long-term girlfriend LONG TERM. But at the point that he and I were, seven weeks of knowing each other, and then an attempt to rekindle, it is a little understandable that he obeyed her.

Now, if he and I had been together a year (and they had been together for two years) and he drops me at her behest, then IN THAT CASE, I blame him more because by then he and I should have gelled more and his letting her chop me out would have been more offensive.

It's in that sense that I don't blame him as much.
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