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Old 06-27-2012, 03:54 AM
mercury mercury is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 84

Originally Posted by strixish View Post
You mentioned that you're probably not going to be pursuing a poly relationship in the future, and I get that. Still, I wanted to point out that this is a huge red flag for me.

If I'm just starting to date someone who's already in a relationship, it's important to me that the relationship be strong and stable. If it's not, and if the person I'm interested in indicates that it may be breaking up in the near future, I want to get far, far away from that.
What's your reason for wanting to stay far from it? Is it because you think it automatically means drama will ensue?

Also, I feel uncomfortable with a veto situation. It's too much of a shorthand for a dynamic that actually exists in any relationship, and which actually requires a much more nuanced conversation. If someone's primary (or partner who preexists me) really doesn't like me, then they may decide that at any point that it's me or them, regardless of whether a veto agreement is in place. The veto just cuts short what may be productive and important dialogue.
Yup, don't like that either. How can one feel safe and secure (things that one should feel in a relationship) when there's the possibility some other party might soon be saying that you must be gotten rid of?

But honestly, if someone's primary (or preexisting partner) really doesn't like me, that's another big red flag. I think I'm easy to get along with. If the partner really doesn't like me, then either (a) the couple has issues with polyamory, so red flag, or (b) the couple has issues with drama, another red flag. Also, if she doesn't like me, and they are a well established couple, then maybe he won't like me either once the NRE wears off (if they're a solid couple, they share values, so maybe we're too far apart in various ways).
I feel the same way. I'll grant that not everybody is going to think (of me) "oh she's so my kinda girl" (as in some kind of 'exact personality' match), but there is nothing contrary or blatantly red flaggy about me that people just find problematic. I am congenial and easygoing and totally clean-cut. The girl in my situation has every reason to like me. And she knows good and darn well that she basically does. (As do I her -- well, not as much now, obviously). She has no reason to not like me. It's all about not wanting a threatening presence around.

I think they have 'issues with polyamory' like you said. They're not ready for it at all.

Also, if she doesn't like me, and they are a well established couple, then maybe he won't like me either once the NRE wears off (if they're a solid couple, they share values, so maybe we're too far apart in various ways).
I disagree here, though. I think one party in a couple (the person you're dating) can like you a lot even though the other has issues with you. Granted, they have some shared values, but they're not replicas; they have distinctions of personality and taste.

Think about how you are friends with Person X who is friends with person Y. Well, obviously you and Person Y really enjoy Person X as a friend (meaning there is some overlap in your taste in friends), but that doesn't mean you and Person Y would make good friends.

Some friends of my friends don't appeal to me at all, even though you would think they would because we both like at least one same person...

Likewise, in my situation, the girl and I showed ourselves to have the same taste in guys when it came to HIM (her long time boyfriend and my new boyfriend). Yet, I don't think she'd like my ex-boyfriend. Our taste overlapped in a particular guy but not necessarily in all men.

Besides which, I don't think a poly person in a couple having "issues" with their partner's new gf or bf is about a beef with the personality of that person. It's more about jealousy. Hence, it's easy to see how the guy or girl your seeing really DOES like you while their partner doesn't. It's because their partner's "not liking you" is based on jealousy, not on your personality. The guy or girl you're seeing, on the other hand, has no jealousy of you because they're dating you; they like your personality and aren't biased against it.

Back to my original point, though-- if the primary/preexisting relationship is suffering, then now is not the time to get involved. You were lucky to get out when you did, for THIS reason more than anything else.
Yeah, I think I definitely dodged a bullet. It's a shame, though, because he was wonderful.

Last edited by mercury; 06-27-2012 at 03:57 AM.
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