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Old 06-27-2012, 03:32 AM
strixish strixish is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 50

Originally Posted by mercury View Post
He said, "I don't know what's going to happen. I may end up breaking away from her. We just have to see what happens."
You mentioned that you're probably not going to be pursuing a poly relationship in the future, and I get that. Still, I wanted to point out that this is a huge red flag for me.

If I'm just starting to date someone who's already in a relationship, it's important to me that the relationship be strong and stable. If it's not, and if the person I'm interested in indicates that it may be breaking up in the near future, I want to get far, far away from that.

Also, I feel uncomfortable with a veto situation. It's too much of a shorthand for a dynamic that actually exists in any relationship, and which actually requires a much more nuanced conversation. If someone's primary (or partner who preexists me) really doesn't like me, then they may decide that at any point that it's me or them, regardless of whether a veto agreement is in place. The veto just cuts short what may be productive and important dialogue.

But honestly, if someone's primary (or preexisting partner) really doesn't like me, that's another big red flag. I think I'm easy to get along with. If the partner really doesn't like me, then either (a) the couple has issues with polyamory, so red flag, or (b) the couple has issues with drama, another red flag. Also, if she doesn't like me, and they are a well established couple, then maybe he won't like me either once the NRE wears off (if they're a solid couple, they share values, so maybe we're too far apart in various ways).

In any event, if a veto card is being drawn (or circumstances exist to support a veto card, if there were a veto agreement), then I am probably better off elsewhere.

Back to my original point, though-- if the primary/preexisting relationship is suffering, then now is not the time to get involved. You were lucky to get out when you did, for THIS reason more than anything else.
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