Originally Posted by ViableAlternative
But there's an enormous difference between "You can't date him/her! Waa!" and. "I can't have that person that close to my life. Date them if you choose, and that's okay, but I need to remove myself from this situation." One of those statements seeks to control another person's autonomy. The other is practicing my own autonomy. Though the end result may in fact be that my lover chooses not to involve him/herself with the person because they want to keep their relationship with me intact, it is not because I am forcing their hand. The end result might be that I leave the lover instead, and while that would suck, I couldn't live with myself if I were to be so controlling.
I understand the distinction you're making, and I don't think you're wrong to make that distinction. But I myself see the latter as still controlling. It's creating a huge 'penalty' for the person (your partner) seeing his or her new gf/bf. Some people call that practicing autonomy, and it is. But it is also creating a very large penalty.
I wouldn't do it, myself. If I were in a poly couple and were feeling jealous of a new girlfriend that my boyfriend started dating, I'd say "See her. It's going to be hard as hell for me because she scares me big time, and you liking her so much scares me, but I don't want to take the path of least resistance by just vetoing her. I am going to need a lot
of reassurances while this happens, but let's go with it."
If I tell him, "I understand you want to see her, but know that I will have to depart if you do so," I'd just feel....immature.