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Old 06-27-2012, 02:24 AM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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I also am "anti veto".

There are a few people in the world that, if a lover of mine chooses to date, would cause me to end the relationship with said lover. But they're pretty extreme cases, involving people who have committed abuses against me or my family or children. I feel that someone who chooses to date those abusers is experiencing a lapse of judgement significant enough to be dangerous to me.

But there's an enormous difference between "You can't date him/her! Waa!" and. "I can't have that person that close to my life. Date them if you choose, and that's okay, but I need to remove myself from this situation." One of those statements seeks to control another person's autonomy. The other is practicing my own autonomy. Though the end result may in fact be that my lover chooses not to involve him/herself with the person because they want to keep their relationship with me intact, it is not because I am forcing their hand. The end result might be that I leave the lover instead, and while that would suck, I couldn't live with myself if I were to be so controlling.

I also won't date someone who requires some kind of veto rights. That is a complete deal breaker for me, I think.

Last point. While I do feel that it is "wrong" for the girlfriend to have vetoed you, the only person you can blame for your ex-slash-potential-boyfriend's actions and choices is, actually, him. And only him, really. He accepts a veto condition in his relationship. That's his prerogative. Don't villainize her more than him; neither are without responsibility here. I can sympathize with the desire to condemn her because you don't want to be angry at him, but he is entirely responsible for his choices. And that sucks pretty bad.

Sorry you're going through this.... take good care of yourself while you're healing from this hurt.

Last edited by ViableAlternative; 06-27-2012 at 02:29 AM.
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