I am sorry you are in pain. :hug:
I often feel like the "rules" are handed down from above and are mostly set in stone, and I can either like them or be unhappy or, with great effort, try to change something, and feel indebted for it. Feels shitty to feel like having my basic relationship needs met is being done as a favour. I think next time I want to be more careful to negotiate things "from scratch", as it were - have other people done this? how does it work?
You have a RESPONSIBILITY to the relationship to speak up. Nobody is a mind reader.
You can always re-negotiate, a secondary has righ
ts. Exercise them.
I know he's got an overloaded plate with a divorce/coparent/new life situation thing happening... but you are not leftodors in the fridge like some afterthought. You are alive, human, and ALSO a part of a his life and what happens there affects you here.
So you speak up and say "Hey, I know there's a lot. I know your plate is full. I need to know though... when is OUR appt for processing time here? Next week? Don't leave me hanging. Include me in the conversation because this affects me too."
And if you do not feel like you are being treated well, you have choices to make. You don't have to stick around for leftovers if that is not your pleasure.
This is your life you live. Whatever
next time I want to be more careful to negotiate things "from scratch", as it were
powers you would use next time? It IS next time. So start exercising that muscle.
Relationships are ALWAYS back and forth relating.