Originally Posted by Pretzels
Ugh, your situation sucks.
I dated a guy for four months. We had known each other for years prior to me asking his wife if I could borrow him for a night or two. They have an open marriage and I didn't want anything more than some mild companionship having been through hell in a relationship about a year earlier.
Well, it turns out that we were really good together in that way where he all of a sudden was saying things like, "If I had met you first...not that I'd want something bad to happen to my wife...."
It didn't take long for the wifey - who usually was away with anyone but him more than she was ever home - to pick up on this and start reclaiming him. I begged and pleaded for the three of us to sit down and negotiate some sort of peace. I wasn't looking to steal him away from her or his other girlfriend, but rather discuss issues and work through some of the more difficult spots.
That's totally what was happening between me and my guy. He was falling for me. He said as much. He was having a great time with me and expressing such extreme attraction and so many proclamations of "I can see us really lasting and becoming something..." He told me (even just within 4 weeks) that he could see me living with him (she and he do not live together; they are not married).
But I think she caught on to it being very much a match between me and him. And that caught her off guard. I actually had coffee with her one time during the time I was seeing him. We talked about some basic things, and though she was very mature in words, her facial expressions were of fear and jealousy. She looked even like she was about to cry a few times. I also said to her, very straight-forwardly: "Are you sure you want this? Because I know the way these things work. You think you don't want someone all to yourself, but then as soon as you see them with someone else, happy, you start to want them more. I've seen it happen in various contexts, not just poly..." (And I have).
And though, at the time, she behaved herself to the extent that she didn't demand that he and I split, she did do the whole "reclaiming" him in the time he and I were apart and when I came back.
I mentioned in my other post that he had "single" on his OkCupid when I met him (with the intent to tell dates about his open relationship status on the first date). But I have noticed that now his and her profiles are completely different. They say "in an open relationship with my girlfriend. We're both looking to date other people casually, but it could become long term if you're willing to be a part of our open relationship."
In other words, after me, she apparently developed a greater sense of "coveting" him, and their profiles reflect that.
I think, by all means, that I was a severe threat to their relationship. She and I are pretty equal in tons of ways. Same education level, same profession, same interests and hobbies (we were in grad school together in the same field; it only makes sense we're the same "type"). I was real competition to her somehow, and that didn't sit well with her. Now she's got him on a very short leash (shorter than ever before) and won't let me have any part of him.
So...I "get" what happened. I still just think it's lame, though, because being poly means letting your partner love someone else. To me, that's something you have to open yourself up to. You can't implicitly stipulate that your partner can love someone else as long as he/she (the partner) doesn't love that someone else too too much. I mean...silly.
I was willing to be with him even though he had her (and that would be a challenge for me) -- why couldn't she do the same? And I'm not even the one who calls myself "biologically poly" (as she does). Why is it that a mono is willing to be poly but a poly is not wiling to be poly?