I am with both of you about not being willing to get into a situation like this again. The way I met him was this: he contacted me over OkCupid and we traded messages for about 2 weeks. I wasn't really even that into him; I just thought he seemed nice, kind of like good friend material. But he was clearly interested in me for dating.
Just a little before we planned to meet for a first date (I still wasn't that into it but was willing to meet for a first date) I happened to find out from just randomly looking at the Facebook page of a casual classmate of mine (not a good friend) that he was in an open relationship with her. He/she were in a few pictures together.
I confronted him about it on the phone: "Are you in an open relationship?"
He said yes, and that he was planning to tell me on the first date. I didn't want to get involved (I wasn't judgmental of them; I just said "Well, I understand that y'all are in an open relationship, but seeing as how i know her, I think I'll pass." -- but then he talked me into meeting him. Then, over seven weeks, I fell for him. Had sex with him, etc.
I wouldn't voluntarily get into a poly situation again. I could have saved myself a lot of grief just sticking to my guns on the phone during that conversation.
Also, I feel for both of you, and am seeing now that the veto was probably a good thing for me. I think "Derek" would have always said I meant a lot to him too, but no matter what, she'd always be # 1. And I really couldn't have that. I can do poly when it feels very equal, but if it doesn't, I wouldn't tolerate it for long. I don't know how well he could have pulled off "equal" -- I know that was his and their intent. But that's all easier said than done.
I think for some women, they want to be the Chief and you to be the Indian, even if just subtly.
I can't have that.
Last edited by mercury; 06-27-2012 at 01:17 AM.