hey -- great response! No need for apology. I hope I didn't sound crabby. I was just trying to understand where you are coming from. I really liked how you owned this...
When I types, "someone taking him from me," I meant that I'm concerned about his sexual partners developing a strong emotional connection that could potentially contest the one we have. That may sound a bit selfish from the perspective of a true polyamorist, but at this stage in my development, I'm not ready for that.
That was interesting to me because in MY development?
When we were dating and non-exclusive? I had no jealousy. Pings maybe, but pings I could put down. He went off to talk to an ex who wanted to get back together. And I didn't know what that would turn out to be because our policy in OUR rship was "Don't need to know all, just tell me when there's something for me to get excited about."
Now we have decades under the belt and kids and guess what? Where I thought I wasn't really a jealous person? I AM! He's just increased in value to me, I hold him him that much higher esteem, etc. So the green-eyed monster comes out sometimes and surprises me. Like-- hello? We're closed. Where's THAT coming from?
I'd have to deal with big ol' PONGS rather than PINGS if we are open again later. so much different place in my/our development than when we began.
And that would mean me keeping me busy. Hobbies, reading, volunteering, etc. The old fashioned expression is something like "take you out of yourself" -- so you AREN'T sitting around stewing and what iffing.
I don't think my green eyed monster would be slain, but if we opened my goal would be to get the big ol' PONGS back down to PINGS and mostly? That's getting used to a new config and the passage of time helping to ping the PONGS back down.
Once he told me he'd be fine open later most likely but he wanted to meet the person and get to know them a bit and know I'm in good hands because it's totally NOT fair to have them mess me up and run off and BAM! He's left holding the bag with me in a mess. He'd feel very upset with that other jerky person!
He made me laugh, how I love that man.
The other times I feel jealous of DH and kid is when he makes special effort to take her out to do whatever to "give me a break" as the Mom. But he doesn't check in with me well to see if I want break away from kid and him or if I want break away from kid with HIM. And I'd rather he arrange babysitter so I don't have to arrange my own break! That's not giving me a break. That's making more chores on my list! Sometimes I get so mad and I'm so tired I'm just like "fine, whatever, take her to the park and I fume because the exact need is not met.
My need to be away from HER (much as I love her) but with HIM. Quality time is one of my languages. So is acts of service. But which ONE and WHEN? He has to ask me because while I try to put it out there, if I'm tired? I'm not wanting to be Miss Relationship Captain either. It all goes meta. Like if I HAD the energy to articulate all this perfect, I wouldn't need the break and reconnect with spouse now would I?
Its a tender spot. Could some of your jealous spring from some of that? Watching special prep/consideration for his other and you don't sense that "special concern" aimed at you too? Cuz I hate watching getting kid whisked away for fun time and all her needs are thought for, and I get no whisky with all my needs thought. If I have to planny I no be whisky! #sulk #pout #envy
I know that's a family unit thing but it's the same in a romance thing. How come you can get it up after work on friday for dinner movie OSO and fri nights with me you are just too tired and clonk out? I don't rate pizza and a movie?
We talk about falling out of love with each other and wanting to be good exes. We're real -- things can happen. Life is long. Who I am at late 30's may not be who I am at mid 60's
But in talking about it? It's a bondy thing, and it makes it help not be so afraid of what may lay out there "in the relationship dark."
Because we both want to be good exes if it ever came to pass and somehow talking about it makes it feel more ok to be open to whatever comes, comes.
And that feeds my secure bucket. Which makes it less likely we break up, or if we did, we're gonna be good exes.
Everyone can BREATHE. Not tense up.
Back to this... at this stage in my development...
Can that help? Breathe. Accept you are in this stage of your development.
If you were a baby learning to walk, at that stage of your development, it would be natural to accept a lot of clonks and bangs while you learn to drive this body of yours, right?
So... clonks and bangs here = some jealousy pongs. It is what it is. Time will pass, you could occupy yourself with busy that takes you out of yourself, you could figure out your love languages and articulate when these are met/not met like the weather channel report. Not NAGGY, but just weather check ins.
I dunno if that perspective helps.