OK, well my lack of experience and interest in kink is showing, quite obviously
Thanks for the correction.
It was based a lot on some of the posts in poly forums where kink was more accepted. Lots of train wrecks where the confusing factor (to my mind, at least) was a highly one-sided relationship dynamic where the "sub" couldn't make their concerns known. Maybe this was folks doing kink badly, in the same way that folks can do poly badly.