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Old 06-25-2012, 06:52 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 52
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Thoughts: I woke up with a bit of poison thought in my head. I will never get my head straight.

Errors: Conclusions, global thinking, extreme thinking, reality filter, ignoring positive.

Analysis: I said a bit of poison and it was only a bit. A small bit, an errant thought about M with others led to a train of thought of how sad I am etc what I could say bla bla bla. This is not true. I have been happy most of the time and considering the circumstances I am doing really well. Even my counsellor thinks so. I have chosen to live in the now, that is, to stop identifying with my story (past and future plan) and make the best of today. In this context any interaction I have with anyone is entirely fresh in the context of the day. If there is residual forgiveness of myself and others to work on I can work on it. M is NOT my girlfriend. It MIGHT be possible to heal things between us, but if i do not concentrate on myself and healing myself a reconcilement will only lead to more of the same.

When I think of 'speaking my mind' I feel bad
When i think of 'trying to explain I've changed' - it is not right.
When I think to 'just love regradless' it feels right, but my ego is frightened by the idea - it wants control, some kind of gaurantee.

THERE IS NO GAURANTEE. We do the best we can. The best i can do is a lot better than I was doing. Today I will do my chores and stay as present as possible. M gets back today so I'm a bit anxious. Calm myself through exercise diet and meditation, read a book, be present, NOW.

I am in loving beautiful relationships.
I am happy, joyous, and carefree.
I am at peace.
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