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Old 06-25-2012, 09:30 AM
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rory rory is offline
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I don't think I have ever been as stressed out as I am right now. Well, ever when adult. I fluctuate between feeling calm and feeling panicked. Tends to go towards the panic the later in the day it gets. I am so afraid of so many things. This has an effect on relationship life; the fear gets projected on relationships, too, and pretty much all negative emotions are blown out of proportion.

Mya and I sorted out the stuff that we both wrote a bit about. I had a truly lovely talk with her yesterday, we got to do some philosophising about stuff like abortion and euthanasia, which we totally enjoy doing but which has been drowned out lately by all the practical stuff that's been going out. Neither of us can totally block the fears about future, but yesterday I felt very strongly the present, where I am totally in this relationship and feel strongly about it.

In the morning I felt very good about my relationship with Alec, too, but then in the evening I was a wreck. I sometimes think that I really should never ever talk heavy relationship stuff late in the evening. I am tired and everything feels so massively important and urgent. I am not at my best. And neither is he, but that is because he is tired and can't really concentrate on trying to understand what I am trying to say, and then I feel like he doesn't care, because he doesn't see the urgency. Which is something I often also cannot see the next morning...

I nowadays have that voice of reason in my head in the evening, telling me that it is not the best time. How much I listen to it varies. Yesteday, partly, and that is why we didn't end up fighting, just both feeling sad and agreeing to discuss at a later time.

The trouble is just that when tired it all feels so justified and I just need for him to see it immediately. Maybe next time I listen to the voice of reason better, now that I've written here about it. Even if it is as urgent and important as it feels [which has never yet happened; it may be important but very few things if any are so important that they cannot wait to the next morning], I have 100% better chance of communicating it to him when I am not feeling enough to make me totally incoherent and when he is in a mental state to take it in.

Right now there is a problem. I trust Alec very much in very many things. However, financially we have together created a dynamic, which causes me to be somewhat distrustful. Basically, both of us have preferred for me to be in control of our finances. I, because I feel safe when I feel in control, and he because he'd rather not worry about that; and both of us because of feeling I'm better at it. Which may or may not be true but also neither of us can really know how good he would be if I always do it all.

Additionally, my own feeling of 'being better at it' comes partly from not very fair/nice places, such as feeling like my way of handling money is the most rational and if he made even slightly different choices he would be doing it wrong. I am actually not comfortable with this aspect, because underlying I have the belief that being his partner gives me no right (or ability, even) to control what he does or how. That is, I believe in healthy boundaries and in his right to make his own choices even if they are different than mine would be (or even if I think them dumb). However, it's not as simple as that when we share finances and have different priorities and views. He tends to live in the moment a lot, I tend to plan for the future. In the extreme both of those perspectives have flaws in them. It is rational to think about the future to some extent, but also it is not possible to guarantee financial security in all possible scenarios - planning for everything is not really having control but only an illusion of control. I realise that, and yet I cannot release that illusion; that as long as I have everything budgeted, I am safe.

To feel healthy, I should give it up and not meddle in the things that are his responsibility. But I am too afraid. I don't know what it is that I fear most. What if he does something differently than I would, and it ends up badly, will I blame him for not doing things my way? At least if I have the control, and things go badly, we are both in the mess together. There is something fundamentally skewed here, in this belief we both share that I know best.

Not easy information to write down, please handle with care. Would appreciate viewpoints, though.

Last edited by rory; 06-25-2012 at 09:48 AM.
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