On a very happy note I did get to discuss my relative concerns with both Y and E. E was very receptive to my concerns and we agreed that getting Y comfortable benefits all involved, so we will slow things down for a while. Y and I didn't quite cover our topic quite as much yet as I wanted because he was very preoccupied with his own personal issues with E, but getting it out there still felt good and I feel we can build from it at least. I guess Y feels that if E improves on his own personal faults Y is saying he'd feel better about supporting this arrangement, I think.
A lot of the issues between Y and E have been building for months before I told Y about my feelings for E, so I feel that both of them have failed to address their respective concerns very well. Y tends to get pissy when he's irritated and E is overly defensive and the two reinforce each other endlessly. I've told both of them now that they really need to start talking it out, and doing so in a way that's productive. They easily tell me about their frustrations but they really suck at doing so with each other. I've told both of them that maybe we should write down succinctly what is bothering us when it happens and put it into a shoe box. Then once a week pull out a few slips and discuss the concerns with the person involved. Do you guys have other ideas for getting them in the habit of communicating effectively with each other?
Me: K, female, 27. Married to Y for over 4 yrs (male, monogamous, 33). Opened relationship to E (male, monogamous, 27) in a relationship vee.