I'm sorry that you are having trouble finding people who match the kind of lifestyle you want.
Interestingly, I seem to have the opposite problem: the people I meet are... well, like you, I guess :P They don't want the kind of commitment I need before being intimate. Mind you, I don't require men to live with me or have a ceremony, although I'm open to both and I guess would prefer it, ideally (but I'd rather deal with each relationship the way it presents itself than try to make it fit into a mould).
I guess I'm also opposed in the fact that being female, I'd be allowed in swinging clubs, but I have no interest in going (I don't really get anything from having sex with someone I'm not in love with and committed to. And even if I did, I don't need swing clubs, I could just walk into a bar).
I think that while ideally polyamory, swinging, etc would be more inclusive, people get very defensive of their own way to practice it, because once you've found what works for you, you become overprotective of it I guess. Still, if you have been surrounded by One True Wayers, I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope you meet someone(s) matching your aspirations and goals, but I'm not sure how you can search more effectively. After all, it's good that people tell you what they want, even if it's not what you want, and I wouldn't suggest they get into relationships they're uncomfortable with any more than you should.
Still, you're not the only solo poly on this board, so I'm sure there are others of you out there