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Old 06-24-2012, 07:55 AM
Dreamy Dreamy is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: US
Posts: 17
Unhappy Resolving issues with someone new?

I have always struggled with this general relationship issue.

Say you have online chats or phone calls with someone, and you both like each other so far. Then you have your first, second, third in-person dates. Usually by the first date, let alone the third, they unknowingly do small things that bother me.

On one hand, I feel I should communicate it to them immediately, or within a day. What I usually do hasn't worked, and I know it's not the best path. I have usually let it go, forgetting about it. After we fall into a relationship (versus simply dating), I feel comfortable to bring things up, but by then, I feel silly as it's something they have done regularly, and I can't suddenly starting "criticizing" them for a dozen or two things. So I mostly let them go again, and just bring up maybe 3 of them meekly, and I find myself in uncomfortable relationships where the person does many small bothersome things.

OTOH, I am not sure I could bring it up early in dating. It feels wrong. The guy/girl may be putting in effort to be romantic, talk about good topics, and it's silly to criticize some little thing he did. That would be a bad sign, wouldn't it? You go on a first date and the person is already pointing out minor problems with how you acted?

The only conclusion I've come to is bring them up, but not on the first date or before. And try and blame myself for being bothered by them, and be as polite as possible. Is there any better way?

I know it depends on what specifically they did.

I know it's my own difficulties with being assertive in a polite way, and I have some hyper sensitivities. Sometimes it's worse because I have trouble explaining which particular aspect of their action/statement was the bothersome part. They think I'm criticizing something bigger or different.

I'd just like to establish certain patterns so our relationship has a chance of being comfortable for me. Most of the men I am dating are very nice and would probably say they want to be told. But in reality, if they were being told a number of things during the first or second date, they might be bothered.
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