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Old 06-24-2012, 06:19 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

The woman is gone now for a couple of months and life is getting back to "normal." Having had a chance to re-group I realize how much I need reassurance constantly, attention to my feelings, touches, eyes on me and gentleness. A bit of "words of affirmation" goes really far with me. Even if its not completely honest at the time in terms of the person feeling it. Faking it until you make it would be fine with me... I just don't want to know that is what it is... DADT on "words of affirmation" I guess that would be. I would be able to tell though anyway as I can tell if someone is genuine by the attention to detail they have in our interactions.

Mono is not so good at attention giving when we are struggling. He cocoons and decides that he will go it alone; almost getting to the point where he decides that it is best for everyone if he just ends everything and leaves because he doesn't want to hurt others or hurt him self any more. This is the exact opposite of what I need as the vacancy and distance creates more threat and fear for me. It makes me feel like I have no control over my destiny when he thinks like that. Where do I get to share in the decision to be done? How is it he thinks he can decide what and how much is too much for me?

He says that he is going to do what makes him more comfortable and what works for him best. I have to trust and realize that I have to look after my self in these matters and create my own reassurance etc. I think I did that really well actually during these last weeks. Better than in the past. The thing is it makes me unable to trust him. It makes me distance myself and become cocooned in my own thoughts and self preservation. Then we are suppose to somehow find each other in that? We seem to of done that however and are re-acquaintancing ourselves with each other again.

PN is off to a music festival this weekend and I have had some time to be with Mono and by myself. I had a bath last night and drank a large martini. It was HEAVENLY. Just heavenly. It felt like a large chunk of weighty worry and baggage feel off and went down the drain with the bath water.

On Monday morning I will wake up by myself and get myself to work by myself for the first time in 10 years. LB is going to his grandparents after I sing tomorrow in a local festival's main stage. I have the night with Mono and then a morning to my self. ahhhhh...

I watched derby's bout tonight with my dad, brother, Mono and LB. Her family was out also and we all went and had a bite to eat after. It was a fun night. My dad seemed to enjoy it, which was a surprise to me. He is up for much more than I believe him to be actually.

I haven't been keeping up here at all. Somehow the stories and chat are all too much for me right now. My strength has been gone. Its coming back slowly, but I don't want to use it up right now. The woman will be back again and what was boxed up could be brought out again... still working on not worrying about it or being so involved with their connecting with each other. I hope to get to place where the threat of his not telling me stuff is not as big an issue soon. Its coming.
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