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Old 06-23-2012, 09:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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He has told me, he is the type of poly person who would have what he calls a primary relationship, I am the one he wants to marry and always be around / have a family with / be around his parents, etc

I believe him, however - I have grown up my entire life thinking if this was true, then he would not be with someone else.
So it's like he's Hindu and your are Jewish. Or you are Russian and he's Italian. Or he's apple and you are orange. Basically this is cultural differences you are talking about. You are in a mixed marriage type setting. Only it's mixed GF/BF and not marriage.

And it is "monowired & polywired" as what is on the actual table and not those other things I just used for general example.

Why some of your upset? I think it is from "mixed marriage" type stuff.

You have been raised mono, and in mono world, having anything besides the GF/spouse you committed to/married is automatically "cheating" and a bad thing. "MONO" means one. More than one -- bzzzzzz! Game over!

But in the poly game? "Cheating" is not about having extra people in your romantic life. "Poly" is more than one. Other people is not a cheating thing. Nobody is being left behind or abandoned or dumped.

It is not cheating to love more than one or to have sex with them or whatever the level THAT particular rship is at does.

The cheating happens when the people in your romantic life do not KNOW about all of each other. The betrayal is not of number. It is of HONESTY.

And really, isn't that the same thing as mono if you get down to it? Not so there was more than ONE, that sex happened, but the hiding and secrecy and lack of honesty? Lack of honesty and respect is what broke the commitment agreement.

Sometimes people want to pin it on the sex part of the romance. But sometimes people in marriage cheat and there IS no romance at all! Just use the 3rd person for sex, sometimes hurting that person AND the spouse! It's still cheating. The actual betrayal is one of FAILED HONESTY. All partners were not informed at all times. Ergo -- hurt.

Or what if it was a poly-poly couple? And one of them ran off and had a romance and slept with someone else without informed consent. It's not cheating because they are both poly right? WRONG. It is STILL cheating. It doesn't MATTER that they are both wired for poly -- the betrayal was lack of honest. Poly just means wired to be ok to have more than one. It doesn't mean you want to have it right this minute, it doesn't mean polys are all sluts or whatever.

One of my fav buttons is "Bi, poly, and I STILL won't sleep with you!"

There's honor ethics here.

Spend some time with this and thinking that out to the end. And don't fret or worry or rush -- again, this is all "just thinking out loud" with your partner. It isn't YOUR RELATIONSHIP REALITY to just be thinking and talking. If anything I'd hope that brings you closer together and more emotionally intimate as you share your ideas and feelings and come to greater understanding of each other.

It is you understanding cultural differences in a mixed marriage (of gf/bf thing). All he's done is announce he is poly-wired. You guys sound like you are a closed relationship, he's not pressuring you for more than you can deal with, he loves you, etc. Don't jump the gun and overthink and cause both of you needless strife. Thinking and talking is not running out to do some betraying.

Opening up is not on your table. If it ever gets to the place where he wants to talk about that? And if it comes to be that you can't be in a mixed committed rship/marriage down the road that is OPEN, then you will deal with that then and break up decently. You'd hope for that even in a mono-mono pairing -- you give it a good run, be decent, love each other, etc. But if for some reason in dating it comes to the end of the run, you hope for a decent break up and not mega-UGH.

The main thing in mono OR poly is to be decent to all your people. You do NOT have to get ugly. Things happen, people change and grow and evolve, the ups and downs of Life are shared, communicated.

It's all how you handle it, and hopefully with some respect and grace for all your people. Whether it is just the 2 people in the couple or otherwise. Be kind to him and to YOURSELF too. Don't overthink and beat yourself up like you somehow are "not enough for him" -- it's not about that. You are coming from different cultures. He knows this -- he knows he is with a monowired.

It's not like you were hiding your Hindu Russian Jewish Appleness, right? (joke)

You will be ok however it turns out. BREATHE.

Just don't be making mountains out of molehill if your current relationship is a mixed one of CLOSED mono-poly. Is that your current rship agreement with him? If so? Most of the stuff won't even apply in a closed rship anyway! It's a big "Does not Apply here."

And then what? You've just been making him and yourself nuts for no reason. Maybe even hurting the relationship. Who wants to live with endless yaketty over "non-reality that does not apply here?" That's the fast track for pushing him away with tiresomeness.

To ask for some clearer communication is fine. To ask for some reassurance is fine. But sooner or later you have to BE reassured right? Don't be the bottomless pit of reassure and reassure but never GET reassured. It's an energy drain and rship killer.

Do the growing you need to do to get secure in your closed mixed rship and then ENJOY your rship! Individual growth and growth as a stronger couple together.

You love each other and want to be together? Then go forward slowly if it needs to be slow, but go on forward together so you can enjoy each other. Not forever stuck in a tempest/teapot thing. Hang in there!

hugs
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-24-2012 at 12:38 AM.
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