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Old 06-23-2012, 09:01 PM
Prudence Prudence is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 17

Wow, what a response! Let me try to address the varied components. =)

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
But I am curious -- set this new issue aside for a minute -- are you NEVER to meet OSO then? Even if DH doesn't date Other Lady... is this gonna be like 5, 10 yrs in relationship and never one visit to OSO?
Basically, yes. I was prepared for this eventuality.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Like here you have been with OSO 3 years, and DH isn't allowing a meeting -- a no sex nothing hanky panky just visit thing. Go for coffee. Go for lunch. Lightweight stuff you could do with your mother. And he and this woman could have that tomorrow. Even if he never tells her how he feels about her -- the first person in a long time that he'd consider changing things for. He could ask her to friendly lunch, bask in her presence, reveal NOTHING about his inner feelings, and still come home stoked from the sight of his crush.
Yes, that is quite likely the crux of my issue here. I suppose I could deal with face-to-face pankyless crushes much like he deals with long-distance pankyless commitment, but when he was looking to develop it into something physical it just felt too unfairly imbalanced.

Now, he may have allowed a face to face meeting sans hankypanky, but I didn't ask. For one, because that was the line he drew and I know having that boundary helped him acclimate to this relationship - making that shift from online to IRL is huge. And for two, because it's easy to slide down that slippery slope of "just lunch" to "just hugging goodbye" to "just a little kiss" to "making out like teenagers in the backseat"... I'd like to say that I would have been trustworthy if our agreement was a "sans hankypanky meetup" but honestly... I love OSO, that would have been REALLY. BLOODY. HARD. Hard enough that I couldn't say without a whisper of doubt that I wouldn't cross the line. And without that internal certainty, that wasn't a risk I was willing to take. So I didn't ask.

We spoke on the topic over lunch and he said it is something that he'd been considering for a while, he just hadn't really understood how it could work and admits he was dallying due to anticipated jealousy if I'm out gallivanting and he was at home all alone. Well, now of course he has options so we're back in the game, so to speak.


I'd describe us more as open than anything else. We do have some component of emotional attachment to our others - neither of us really enjoy sex without a connection - but I wouldn't say we're fully poly by any stretch. We are both pretty firmly committed to each other as primaries and and we're clear about our limits to other people. For me, I enjoy having the full secondary relationship; from what DH is describing, he's not really interested in more than a friends-with-benefits kind of deal. So I kind of wonder how regimented it is really necessary to be?

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
1) Meet the woman NOW before anything happens if she does know DH interest. (And how do you feel about that? Dating at work? Could that mess with DH's career?)
She knows. They spoke about the possibility and spent some time talking before he approached me about it. (He's not really one to feel me out unless he's sure someone is interested and understands his marital situation. That's fine by me.)

Is it necessary to meet her if she's going to be a one-off encounter (and would it weird her out if I did?)? If she is going to be a long-term FWB or girlfriend I'd want to meet her, certainly.

He is discreet by choice and they would not flaunt their relationship at work. Regardless his workplace is full of cheating assholes so I'm sure people wouldn't blink an eye even if they did notice something. xD

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
2) Then DO NOTHING. NOBODY. You don't tell OSO this is brewing maybe (don't get hopes up to dash down.) DH doesn't date the woman yet
I haven't said anything to OSO and won't, unless we choose to move forward. It would crush him if I got his hopes up and didn't end up delivering.

I am fine with DH indulging in flirtations approximating my own boundaries (during this simmering stage and at any other time) and have said as much. I don't think we'll take quite as long as that but we will definitely give it some serious thought/open discussion over the next few weeks. =)

As to the metamours' metamours... DH and I agreed in the beginning that we are responsible for our relationship only, so if we decide to go for it we will leave it to the metamours to handle their business themselves.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
  • What does he hope out of the relationship? What if she's a cowgirl?
  • What if goes well and he wants to make her primary? Move in?
  • What if things with OSO move up in intensity? You want HIM to move in?
Neither of us are realistically interested in this sort of living arrangement. And if anyone ends up being a cowboy/girl, they would be politely shown the door. OSO is aware of his limits - OL would be, too.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
  • What if you get ugh and want him to end it?
  • Things with OSO get ugh post meeting/sex and you break up? What support do you want from DH and can he provide it while in NRE with OL?
  • Will you handle DH with Other Lady ok and endure his NRE? What if you end up without OSO cuz on your end, YOUR rship expansion fell flat?
If I wanted him to end it he would. As would I. However we're aware such a request would Royally Suck, and are unwilling to make such a drastic one without due consideration and every effort to resolve issues.

I don't like those other scenarios! =P I can deal with NRE. It would certainly be harder if I get ugh/dumped! We'd work it out, but it's hard to say how things would go since we haven't been here before.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
  • What if you want to end it with DH? Can you end it with grace and still coparent?
  • What of your child(ren) -- how do these OSO / OL people figure in their lives if at all?
We could gracefully co-parent were we to divorce, but we are firmly committed to us, first and foremost. Our son is not yet a year old and will not be involved with any other partners for a VERY long time, if at all.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Don't confuse the urgent with the important.
I'm pinning this to my wall!!

You've given me some good things to think about and I greatly appreciate all the perspective/feedback offered thus far! I process through language and having to collect my thoughts into a coherent post helps me to sort through the noise and pinpoint the real stuff. Thank you!
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