You are asking good questions.
But I am curious -- set this new issue aside for a minute -- are you NEVER to meet OSO then? Even if DH doesn't date Other Lady... is this gonna be like 5, 10 yrs in relationship and never one visit to OSO? I think that's why
you are feeling a little jealous.
Like here you have been with OSO 3 years, and DH isn't allowing a meeting -- a no sex nothing hanky panky just visit thing. Go for coffee. Go for lunch. Lightweight stuff you could do with your mother.
And he and this woman could have that tomorrow. Even if he never
tells her how he feels about her -- the first person in a long time that he'd consider changing things for. He could ask her to friendly lunch, bask in her presence, reveal NOTHING about his inner feelings, and still come home stoked from the sight of his crush.
I don't think you are really jealous of the OL. I think you are jealous of what DH and the OL get to have if they choose to avail themselves (a stupid coffee date) where you and OSO do not get that despite 3 yrs in. I know the LDR factor, but 3 yrs is 3 yrs, man.
Long enough to save up for a weekend visit where you stay in a hotel separate and you just... hang out in person and just lay eyes on your OSO.
So no wonder you pin your #jealous and #suspicion on the woman. ( I commend you for recognizing how you feel though and laying it out. That's impressively mature. Just because we feel gut level feelings is no reason to launch into emotional vomit. WTG! )
Here's my suggestion. And you can rearrange steps to suit, tweak, etc.
1) Meet the woman NOW before anything happens if she does know DH interest. If not, skip this and come back later to this step when she does know.
If she DOES know he just tells her he and spouse are simmering on the idea of opening up to include him dating her. That is all.
If not, don't rock her boat just because YOU guys are thinking about opening up further. Don't need to make their work rship weird. (And how do you feel about that? Dating at work? Could that mess with DH's career?)
2) Then DO NOTHING. NOBODY. You don't tell OSO this is brewing maybe (don't get hopes up to dash down.) DH doesn't date the woman yet
Don't confuse the urgent with the important.
Agree on a reasonable time frame for this initial "simmer the idea." And don't confuse what is important and/or urgent feeling for YOU two and important/urgent for ALL at this early birdie point.
A month? Nothing changes, other than you and DH increase communication between you and DH.
- What does he hope out of the relationship? What if she's a cowgirl?
- What if it goes well and breaks up -- what support does he wants from you?
- What if goes well and he wants to make her primary? Move in?
- What if you get ugh and want him to end it?
- What if things with OSO move up in intensity? You want HIM to move in?
- Things with OSO get ugh post meeting/sex and you break up? What support do you want from DH and can he provide it while in NRE with OL?
- Will you handle DH with Other Lady ok and endure his NRE? What if you end up without OSO cuz on your end, YOUR rship expansion fell flat?
- What if you want to end it with DH? Can you end it with grace and still coparent?
- What of your child(ren) -- how do these OSO / OL people figure in their lives if at all?
- What are the deal breakers? How do you cope?
- What are the joys? How do you cope?
Ask the big questions NOW in your thinking month before anything has even happened. Explore how you want to be treated fairly, how he wants to be treated fairly, how you expect the metamours to treat the spouses fairly, etc.
Next month? Tell the metas you have been talking and give them the basic Cliff Notes Draft.
THEN the metas have feelings of their own. Inquire -- how do THEY want to be treated?
Then in this month see how to work up the Cliff Notes from a 2 people Draft to the 4 people agreement for how to proceed in next (3 mos? 6 mos? 12 mos?) before the next check in.
I assume OSO and OL are otherwise single -- if there's MORE metamours in the picture you have to negotiate meeting/calling/emailing all these people and handling your poly network there. At the minimum to make sure all know about all others and things are all cool -- nobody's a secret cheater or something and all have their sex health screenings current before any kind of new sex in whatever configs happen.
Then proceed -- DH can go up to the OSO level. That's it. For a month. Online dating same as you.
Then check in again and see how all you guys are feeling.
Then DH can start inching into real people dates with OL. A month.
Then see how you all are.
Nobody ever died
from going slow, you know.
And if everyone's grown up here, waiting a few mos to get to DH dating the girl in person rather than online? That's nothing. That's just summer break between school years.
If all partners cannot hack that? A summer break experiment? So everyone can transition slowly and smoothly to a new relationship model where there's new people so all can feel respected and honored and supported?
Then that's telling ya all you need to know before anyone gets too deep to get too hurt as poly newbies.
You feel what you feel when you feel it. Nobody can help the winds of emotion blowing through.
It's how you choose
to act and behave in reaction/deliberate response to them that matters.
How DOES / WILL your relationship with DH and OSO and OL all weather the storms of relationship change? And storms can be scary destructive and storms can be gorgeous and bring rainbows.
Whatcha guys going for? In this case, some of the weather (not all) can be planned for and dealt with but only if all partners are going to play like grown ups. You and DH at least, sound like you've been keeping it real and going at the pace your marriage needs to go. Kudos!