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Old 06-23-2012, 03:39 PM
Prudence Prudence is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Perhaps in meeting her and envisioning a relationship with her, and seeing how his feelings for you haven't changed, he has realized that you having another relationship face-to-face is not the threat he once thought it would be.
This is pretty much exactly what he said when we discussed it - that he was coming to understand what I meant when I said that loving someone else didn't make me love him any differently or any less. For this reason, primarily, he's entertaining the idea of loosening my restrictions. (Although I will note that the OSO's distance and thus, infrequent meetings probably weighs heavily in my favor. )

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And Hubs has seen you honor your agreements and knows you can be trusted.
I have been imperfect, but the few boundary crossings have been managed (either by revising our agreement or recommitting to it). I give all credit to him for his patience and forgiveness in this matter. He has truly come an amazingly far distance from where we started.

Quote:
Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
Oh, and another thing, BE HONEST!!! Those scared feelings, guilty, insecure, etc. ARE OK. Just because those feelings are negative, does not mean they are bad.
True. Thank you for the reminder.

I was pretty stunned by the possibility last night - it wasn't until I was drifting off to sleep that I was suddenly concerned about the motivations. I will talk to him about it, I just hesitate to do so sometimes during this early "emotional vomit" stage because he is pretty sensitive to potential issues in this regard. As in, he'd be just fine without it and if it's gonna be "too much trouble" he'd rather not risk it, whereas I am amenable to at least trying, even if it takes some tweaking to make it work. So sometimes I am afraid to dump my reactive emotions on him while I am processing them (because that is how I process!) - I tend to mull it over myself (or with a friend) and then approach him with my thoughts when I can express myself in a thoughtful and reasonable way. But yes, if we decide to proceed with this, there will definitely be ongoing discussions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by polypenguin View Post
You say you don't want him to "miss out," well, how much are you willing to let him miss out on because of insecurities? And visa versa? Your relationship has to come first, anything outside of that (for now) is extra, but sometimes in life the "extra" is of dire importance as well.
Don't I know it!!

To clarify, I'd deal with my insecurity. I'd ask for his help in dealing, but I'd deal - my insecurity is not a reason to say no, IMO. I have had periodic requests to accommodate my need for reassurance/connection with him (i.e., physical monogamy during the early months of new parenthood, or, I've asked to have some time to snuggle and reconnect with him after his dates) but I would never say "no" just because I am feeling insecure.

I did, however, in this case, say "no" because I did not know how I would handle resentment over the disparity. I didn't expect reciprocity, I was just expressing my take on the situation and he offered to consider it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I commend you for putting up with such severe restrictions on the relationship you have with your OSO for so long (I personally could not have a totally online relationship)
Long distance sucks, but not having OSO at all would be worse, and not having my hubby would be worst of all. Rock and a hard place. =/

LOL, that seems like such a silly thing to whine about... Oh no! I have two wonderful, amazing partners who love me and fulfill me! FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!
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